I let my mind go wandering again! I don't know if it has to do with the fact that it is WAY too quiet here, since it has only been Gavin and I home alone, (the other boys are with grandma today) or if I have been suppressing worries that just needed to get out. Either way, I found myself in a mess. I've been thinking about how much I miss feeding Gavin by mouth., I've been thinking about how he was before the stroke., I've been thinking about not being able to just get up and go to the grocery store easily, since I still haven't figured out a way to take Gavin alone. (He can't sit up, so the grocery cart is out of the question and the stroller won't hold enough groceries. I've been given the suggestion of pushing the stroller with one hand and pulling the cart with my other hand by a wonder woman, but that just isn't safe for fellow shoppers! You should see how well I drive just the cart alone!), I've been thinking about how crazy it is that I long for a quiet day alone, but when I get the chance I'm miserable without all the craziness!, I've been thinking about the very extreme possibility that Gavin may never sit up or develop any further., I've been thinking about long term plans for him. (Who will take care of him if something happens to me? Joel doesn't even know a whole lot about what Gavin's meds, doctors or schedule.), I've been thinking about how all of this may be affecting our other boys. (although, they really seem to take it all in stride and appear happy to have Gavin as a brother.), I've been thinking about how ridiculous it seems when others complain to me about their small 'problems'. (although I totally get how those 'problems' seem enormous when you haven't been faced with something more heart breaking and worrysome.), I've been thinking about how my worries don't compare to a whole lot of other people's!, I've been thinking about how different our life would be right now if mistakes weren't made and Gavin hadn't had a stroke., I've been thinking about how there really isn't a support group or book that I can totally relate to...........O.K., I think you get the picture!
Anyway, like I said I'm a mess! I haven't answered the phone today, because I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I haven't done hardly any of the household chores that I planned on doing. All I've done is think about these things and hold & love on the Vinster. (This was the fun part!) Finally I snapped out of it and looked at my bible. I thought to myself, "Hello! The answers are all right there!" I don't know why I let myself dive into despair so deeply, when I could just find the comfort and resolutions right there before me! I guess we all have to feel like we are sinking sometimes before we look for a life raft! I'm thankful for mine, but I just have to remember to rely on it at all times! So, finally, I opened my bible up to the concordance and looked up the words suffering and afraid. I was led to several scriptures which got me 'floating' again and breathing some fresh air! I may not have been told exactly, "Alicia, don't worry about who will care for Gavin if something should happen to you. I have ordained for _____ to take care of him." But, I was told, "Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms."(James 5:13) and "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."(James 4:8) and I was also reminded of Psalm 23.
God has it all figured out FOR me! I have nothing to fear! He has gotten me through more that I thought I could endure and He will continue to do so! I am so thankful for this knowledge! Now.....time for some chores! :(
"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalm 56:3