Monday, January 12, 2009
Thirty-seven years ago today, I was born. And, today I'm having the birthday blues. It has nothing to do with my age. Seriously! In fact, a couple of weeks ago I was trying to remember how old I was. (Early memory loss?) Anyway, I could not remember how old I was. I thought that I was 37 and about to turn 38, but when I asked my boys, they told me I was only 36 at the time. So, turning 37 isn't a big deal since I thought I was that old already! Although, if you ask Caleb how old I am, he will tell you "Firty-seven," so it sounds like he's saying 47! Knowing that people might think that he's saying 47, I told him to say that his mom and dad are 3...7..., instead of saying 37 together, that way we don't age too quickly in everyone's eyes...I may still feel young, but I certainly don't want people thinking I'm 10 years older than I am! Anyway, my feeling down has nothing to do with my age. I think that I may be going through a mid-life crisis or something. I need change, fun and excitement! Any suggestions for someone like me???
Another thing that I'm feeling down about is life in general. Not necessarily my own life, but the trials I hear about and see going on in everyone's life. I think continuously and because I am always thinking I let myself get sad wishing that I could change so many circumstances for so many people. Life can be so difficult and sad! Sure, I wish that certain aspects of my life could be different, but for the most part I really am at peace with my life, but ONLY through the grace of God! There is no way that I could get through my days without peace from Him and the knowledge that He has it all under control! I do let my mind wander and start thinking about our future with Gavin. I start letting myself think about the wheelchair ramp we will surely need to build, and the heart surgeries that he will surely need to have, and the fact that someday I won't be able to just carry Gavin around and change his diaper and clothes so easily.....but then I stop myself before I get too anxious and not want to even get out of bed in the morning!
I guess the point that I'm trying to make is.....hmmm? I guess, that life can be hard for all of us and I let myself get burdened by all of the pain and suffering that I see. We all have struggles and it's just not fun! It also saddens me to know that there is so much suffering in people's lives and many don't even know God and the grace that only He can supply! If I didn't have this knowledge in my life, there is NO WAY that I could keep going somedays! So, what can I do about this? This used to be something that I would have struggled with even more than I am now, when I used to be a control freak. I've always known that God was the pilot and I was the co-pilot, but in the past I would think that I could take the wheel for awhile and see how good I could fly the plane! Since Gavin came along, I've had no choice but to sit back and relax (as well as I can) and let God navigate through this uncertain world for me. This is why I am mostly at peace, but it's also why I get down, because I know so many who don't have this comfort and knowledge!
So, today I am thanking God for my 37 years of life and all that He has blessed me with, but I'm also spending a lot of time feeling sad. Sad, for those who are suffering and especially sad for those who don't know the ONE and ONLY TRUE Savior! Between this and not sleeping well the last two nights (Gavin has been sick, feverish and miserable!), I'm slightly a mess! But, I'm praying! That is all that I can do.
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28