Thursday, February 12, 2009
Loss of Dreams
Today I'm coming to you asking for prayers. Gavin has been doing so well lately, yet there are still things that concern me and that make me wish for more. We feel so very blessed to have Gavin in our lives and are so thankful for the health that he has been having and the progress that he has made lately! Still, I think of the dreams that I had for my once unborn child and feel sadness knowing that many will never come true.
It is very difficult knowing what Gavin should be doing at this age and seeing the level that he is actually at. He is almost 2 1/2 years old, and yet he is at about a 2 month level developmentally. This is SO hard to accept some days! I see other children at the store and I watch them closer now than I did before I had Gavin. It amazes me what such little ones can do! At home I am able to see Gavin's achievements, but out in the real world I see how far behind he is!
I'm asking for you to pray that Gavin can remain as healthy as he has in the past year and that he can remain seizure free. (This week I saw something that looked like it could be a seizure from him. It was a different movement than the type of seizures that he had in the past, but it was a movement that was not normal for him. It freaked me out and brought back very anxious feelings that I felt when he was still having seizures. He hasn't done this movement since and I'm praying that he doesn't do it again!)
I'm also asking for you to pray that Gavin can, one day soon, be able to sit up on his own. He definitely has more strength than he used to, but he is still very floppy and has very weak head and upper body control. It would make life so much easier if he could at least sit on his own one day! We don't take Gavin out very often since he has a low immunity, but it's also because it's just too difficult when we do. His not being able to support himself at all makes it quite exhausting to go places with him. I feel like I'm complaining, but this is not my purpose for this post. I'm just giving you an idea of how life is with Gavin and asking for you to pray for him and us.
I am so proud of the accomplishments that Gavin has made, despite predictions that many doctors have made for him and I am VERY grateful to God for these accomplishments! And yet, I can't help but feel a great loss for my child and our family as well! I've been told that Gavin doesn't know any better and that he is happy and loved. I know that this is true, but he has also had to suffer so much and I've had to watch this and it's hard! I've also been told that we are blessed to have 3 other children who are healthy, and while I know this and feel this too, it really doesn't make it easier knowing that Gavin's life is the way that it is! I've also been told that since Gavin has Down syndrome, his life does not amount to as much as an average child! (Seriously, I've been told this!) He is still a child! He is my child and it hurts to have a child who's dreams that I had for him won't come true! There is a feeling of such loss and these feelings don't just go away because we are blessed in SO many other ways!
God made all of us, God made Gavin and God does NOT make mistakes! There is a great purpose for all of our suffering, but it is still suffering, which is why I struggle some days. Please pray that Gavin will continue to progress and stay healthy and that we can stay at peace with God's purpose for our lives. Thank you!
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. And I know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:18 & 28