Maybe you can tell, from my most recent posts, that I am struggling a bit with our situation. I'm not really sad about things, just thinking about things a lot. Yesterday I was thinking about how having Gavin in our lives has changed many things for us. The difference that I was focusing on, primarily, was our loss of innocence.
I watch people from 'afar' and wish that I could go back to the days when life wasn't so complicated. I realize that everyone's life is complicated in one way or another, but thinking back to our pre-Gavin life was definitely less complicated than it is now! If I could go back in time for one day, I would be able to realize just how uncomplicated our lives were! I know that I did not appreciate those days as being easy or carefree, but when I think about them now, I can see just how easy they actually were! I watch others and listen to them and sometimes wish for the struggles they are going through. I feel so lonely, in many ways, watching life go on all around me. People are making plans with each other, People are chasing their little ones around, People are laughing and acting as if they don't have a care in the world.....I am watching, and I am feeling very alone in this world.
I am not alone and I am blessed in so many ways, but still, I feel like I am so different than others. I have lost that innocent feeling that I used to have. I am not trying to sound pitiful, although I know that I do. I am not trying to complain, although I know that I am. I guess I am just venting as usual and sharing with others how it feels to have a child with special needs.
I wish that our family could do more together. I wish that we didn't have to plan so much, or think so much to be able to do what the average family is capable of just going and doing. Our boys feel this loss of innocence as well. They will say, "Mom, May we go here or do this?........Oh yeah, Gavin." They don't seem to feel badly about our situation, they are just matter of fact about it. There are just things that we can't do because of having Gavin.
I sometimes feel like I'm an alien in this world. I feel like others don't know what to say to me and that they are uncomfortable around me, because of the uncomfortableness of what to say to someone who has a child like Gavin. Our 'world' is very different than the average family, and I would probably struggle knowing how to act around someone like me as well. But, this doesn't feel good, although these feelings could just be in my head and not true at all. But, I AM a person with a lot of 'baggage.' I've been told that I am someone who others don't feel like they are able to complain to anymore. I guess because they realize that their problems are just not as big as mine. The truth is, they might not be, but it doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about another's frustrations. Life IS hard, for ALL of us! My struggles may never go away, but I know that everyone has struggles.
I am definitely more emotional than I used to be. Having Gavin has made me more compassionate and yet, more hardened in some ways. I am not the same person that I used to be. I just have to accept this and try to get used to 'the new me.' I have to learn to deal with the added emotions that I have. I have to learn to deal with the added responsibilities that I have. There are so many extremes in my life now. I feel so uncertain some days and then other days, I feel so great. I have never worried more than I have since having Gavin in my life, but I have also never been able to trust in God, more than after having Gavin here. I have never been more sad in my life, but I have never been so happy either! There are so many extremes! I think more. I pray more. I give more. I need more. I love more. I cry more. I take more. And, the list goes on.....
I would love to go back to those days of innocence.....or would I? If I did, I wouldn't know God like I do now. And, I wouldn't have the greatest blessing that has ever been given to me!
Life may be harder, but it sure is more full! Some days I'd like a day of respite from all of these emotions and responsibilities, but I REALLY wouldn't change a thing. Having Gavin has made me stronger, happier and sadder, but it has also made me who God hopefully wants me to be.
So.....I'll keep going, and praying, and hoping, that I can accept this life with open arms. Because life is hard for all of us, but with God, the best is yet to come!
"And, behold, I come quickly, and My reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. Blessed are they that do His commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. He which testifieth these things says, Surely I am coming quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus!" Revelation 22:12-14&20