Thursday, May 14, 2009

Gavin's Wheelchair

Gavin's wheelchair was delivered yesterday afternoon. The lady that helped us place the order also delivered it and spent time explaining to me how everything worked. Throughout most of her demonstration, all I could think was, "There is a wheelchair in my house and I'm not really listening because I don't plan on using this thing for a long time anyway." I don't know why I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and I don't know why I had such a reaction to it? I guess because there is such a stigma placed on those who need wheelchairs. I seriously sat there pretending to listen and trying to come up with good questions, but I had a very difficult time concentrating.

The wheelchair still sits in the same spot that she placed it in when she left and everytime that I look at it, I feel sad. I had planned on putting it in a room that we rarely use until we actually had to use it for Gavin, but I can't even do that. I don't want this chair in my house! I don't want Gavin to need this form of transportaion!

When he was measured for it many months ago, it didn't look so bad to me. It looked more like a stroller to me then. But, now that we have it here, it looks like a wheelchair. I think it's because it has more equipment on it for the support that Gavin needs. It definitely doesn't feel very comfortable, which I don't like. It needs some padding in it like his stroller has, that he uses now. Thankfully, he will fit in his stroller for a long time and I'll only need the wheelchair for school...if I have the courage to send him!

After I picked our other boys up from school, I asked them what they thought about it. Jacob and Caleb said, "Good." Nolan, our thinker, said, "Scary." I didn't really understand what he meant by this, so I asked him what he meant by it. He said, "You know, like when you are uncertain about something..." And, I thought to myself, "Exactly!" He picked the perfect word to describe the wheelchair!

Gavin's future is so uncertain for us. Will he ever sit up? Will he ever crawl? Will he need more surgery? Will he live for many years to come? There is so much uncertainty.....and this can be very scary! I suppose there is much uncertainty in all of our lives, but we don't focus on it because we take so much for granted. With Gavin, we take very little for granted. And, we don't have a lot of expectation, so it just seems more uncertain.

The fact is, there is NO uncertainty with God. He knows what each of our futures hold. Sometimes I forget this when I am caring for Gavin. There just seems to be so much responsibility and uncertainty. But really, we could all be just a step away from disaster or disability, if you think about it. There may actually be even MORE certainty with Gavin's life than I think that there is! I don't hold out for much hope with Gavin's future because we have been told not to hope for much. Yet, I hold so much hope for my other boys, when I have no idea what the future holds for them or any of us either! The only real certainty that I have is the certainty that I have in God. His promises to me will never be broken! I can count on Him! I may not be happy with my circumstances, but I know that there is great hope in my future! And, I know that there is great hope in Gavin's future as well! So, why do I make such a big deal over a wheelchair? I suppose it's because I am thinking too wordly most of the time.

I mean, Look at this face! Does he look worried about being in this wheelchair?! Could he care less about what others think of him?! He doesn't have a care in the world! This is how I hope to strive to feel, knowing that my needs will be taken care of by God, just as Gavin's needs are taken care of by his family and God!

On second thought he thinks, "Get me out of here! This chair isn't quite as good as I first thought that it was!"

Don't worry Gavin! Your Momma doesn't plan on using it much anyway!

"For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth." Psalm 71:5


Michelle said...

I think your thoughts and fears are valid, and we just have to experience it to be able to move on. I must say it is a bit scary to see...but when I saw the pics of Gavin in it, he looked so happy and peaceful!! I'll be praying.

Marissa said...

Stay strong Mama!! You have the right attitude that you'll only use it when you need to.

And what a great point you make about the future. All of us are only a hair's width away from disaster everyday without even realizing it. But why worry about that or about someone like Gavin whose future is so uncertain? Our futures and Gavin's future are not uncertain to God. Awesome!!

I just love those pics of Gavin. Too cute!


Gripping Mercy and Grace said...

Way Cool Kid! He looks like he is having fun! Thinking of you!!!!

Lacey said...

You know sister, I didn't want a wheelchair for Jax either, he's just to little for it. Thats why I ordered a special needs stroller instead, but I think when it comes I will think the same thing, it looks like a wheelchair. My friend told me after she got her little girls wheelchair people didn't come up and talk to her baby like they used to, its horrible that people think like that. It looks comfy to me. Jax should be here any day, I'll have to show you ours when it comes. Kisses from me and Jax.

HennHouse said...

You know what? You are so right! God is already in all of your tomorrows.

And OH, the places he will go in that chair!!

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Im glad he liked it for a while!
I actually thought it looked more like a stroller than a wheel chair.

No matter what he is adorable!

Heather said...

Love the pictures and love your little guy and loved this post.Real and honest and that is what it is about.That and your amazing faith that you continue to circle back to no matter what.Stick with his regular stroller for now.Time will have a way of letting you know when to switch.If to switch.Be patient with yourself.You continue to do an amazing job juggling and processing and living your beautiful days.Love from Zoey.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Hey, we have the SAME stroller chair in purple!!! Someone gave it to us. We normally use Peanut's regular wheelchair (Zippy Quicky Tilt-In-Space). I will say that the Quicky is more comfortable for longer walks. Or should I say longer sits? :) The purple stroller one is much easier for quick trips though.

It's a bit hard to accept at first, but it has definately made our life easier. I have honestly not noticed people treat her any different in her chair. Quite honestly, I think more people come talk to her in it, than in a shopping cart or something!

Her wheelchair is purple (same as the stroller chair), and it has light-up front wheels. It's just cool. :)

Sandi said...

I love where you said

"The only real certainty that I have is the certainty that I have in God"

Amen....there is no other thing we can stand on.

My 7 yr old niece has a chair similar to this one. My 5 yr old thinks she has a "cool set of wheels". There is also a ramp in their living room that he shoots his cars down. I love that he doesn't think twice about her chair or limitations....he's always known and loved her just the way she is.

Hope said...

He's so handsome! Adorable! I know it's hard to accept and I wish I could hug you because I know you need it. ((Hugs)) I'm thinking about you and your family.

Lacey said...

hows my little man? My blog is being naughty and not updating peoples blogs so I'm just checking on everyone.

Jennifer Carden said...

This is the exact same chair we have for Parker. I felt the exact same way when we got it. I hated going out in public because I felt that people stared at us. It was really hard, and it was hard for our boys.
That was in September. I got used to the people-I choose to think they are looking at how cute my boy is. The boys are used to it. And the biggest surprise-Parker LOVES it. It is so much more comfortable-and I didn't even realize how uncomfortable he had been in a regular stroller. We had tried many-but no luck. It gives him so much support and he is very, very content in it. I know Gavin will be as well. It takes time-but that is what we hear about everything all the time anyway, right?
Just wanted to tell you I understand completely, and it gets better. The biggest bonus and what made me want to use it-is that Gavin will be so comfortable with the suppport he gets from the chair.
Jen Carden