Gavin's wheelchair was delivered yesterday afternoon. The lady that helped us place the order also delivered it and spent time explaining to me how everything worked. Throughout most of her demonstration, all I could think was, "There is a wheelchair in my house and I'm not really listening because I don't plan on using this thing for a long time anyway." I don't know why I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and I don't know why I had such a reaction to it? I guess because there is such a stigma placed on those who need wheelchairs. I seriously sat there pretending to listen and trying to come up with good questions, but I had a very difficult time concentrating.
The wheelchair still sits in the same spot that she placed it in when she left and everytime that I look at it, I feel sad. I had planned on putting it in a room that we rarely use until we actually had to use it for Gavin, but I can't even do that. I don't want this chair in my house! I don't want Gavin to need this form of transportaion!
When he was measured for it many months ago, it didn't look so bad to me. It looked more like a stroller to me then. But, now that we have it here, it looks like a wheelchair. I think it's because it has more equipment on it for the support that Gavin needs. It definitely doesn't feel very comfortable, which I don't like. It needs some padding in it like his stroller has, that he uses now. Thankfully, he will fit in his stroller for a long time and I'll only need the wheelchair for school...if I have the courage to send him!
After I picked our other boys up from school, I asked them what they thought about it. Jacob and Caleb said, "Good." Nolan, our thinker, said, "Scary." I didn't really understand what he meant by this, so I asked him what he meant by it. He said, "You know, like when you are uncertain about something..." And, I thought to myself, "Exactly!" He picked the perfect word to describe the wheelchair!
Gavin's future is so uncertain for us. Will he ever sit up? Will he ever crawl? Will he need more surgery? Will he live for many years to come? There is so much uncertainty.....and this can be very scary! I suppose there is much uncertainty in all of our lives, but we don't focus on it because we take so much for granted. With Gavin, we take very little for granted. And, we don't have a lot of expectation, so it just seems more uncertain.
The fact is, there is NO uncertainty with God. He knows what each of our futures hold. Sometimes I forget this when I am caring for Gavin. There just seems to be so much responsibility and uncertainty. But really, we could all be just a step away from disaster or disability, if you think about it. There may actually be even MORE certainty with Gavin's life than I think that there is! I don't hold out for much hope with Gavin's future because we have been told not to hope for much. Yet, I hold so much hope for my other boys, when I have no idea what the future holds for them or any of us either! The only real certainty that I have is the certainty that I have in God. His promises to me will never be broken! I can count on Him! I may not be happy with my circumstances, but I know that there is great hope in my future! And, I know that there is great hope in Gavin's future as well! So, why do I make such a big deal over a wheelchair? I suppose it's because I am thinking too wordly most of the time.
I mean, Look at this face! Does he look worried about being in this wheelchair?! Could he care less about what others think of him?! He doesn't have a care in the world! This is how I hope to strive to feel, knowing that my needs will be taken care of by God, just as Gavin's needs are taken care of by his family and God!
On second thought he thinks, "Get me out of here! This chair isn't quite as good as I first thought that it was!"
Don't worry Gavin! Your Momma doesn't plan on using it much anyway!
"For You are my hope, O Lord God; You are my trust from my youth." Psalm 71:5