Lately I haven't been getting much sleep, I have lots going on in my life, I have so much to do in a day and I have no desire to do any of it, I feel lost in this great big world, I wonder why some people's lives "appear" to be so great and mine has been filled with so many ups and downs.....I am not really depressed, just feeling overwhelmed and a little bit pitiful. I thought that I was handling everything just fine, but then I visited a blog site of a 26 year old girl who has Down syndrome and I lost it!
I looked at this girl on the computer screen and I saw her big smile and I saw her interacting with her family and walking and taking part in "normal" activities and I couldn't hold it in any longer! The dam broke loose!
Why is she able to do these things and Gavin probably never will be able to?!
I hate days like this! I hate when I let what life has given to me.....get to me! I hate when I feel sorry for myself! I hate when I look at the "bad" instead of the "good." But, every couple of months this is what happens. It all begins to be too much for me and I have to let it all out! Today is one of those days!
I am questioning so many things that have occurred in my life and I am focusing on all of the negative. I am wondering why I was given a child who had so much potential.....and then it was all taken away from him and I?! In my head I know that I am, and that I always have been, very blessed throughout my life.....but today, in my heart, I am hurting.
I am actually so happy to have been given a Down syndrome child! I even want another one! I feel that those born with DS have such a giving spirit and you can't help but feel loved by them and happy around them!
But, why did Gavin have to be born with such severe heart defects, spend so much time in the hospital, have so many surgeries, have to have a severe stroke, due to incompetence....which caused him to be legally blind and begin his ordeal with seizures....which causes him to be stuck at the age of an infant...for probably the rest of his life?! I don't want this life for him and I don't want it for me either!
I wish that Gavin could talk, walk, sit, eat, enjoy normal children's activities.....instead he can only lay there and he requires that every single one of his needs be met by someone else! It's not fair and today I am feeling it!
There is no one else on this earth that makes me as happy as Gavin does, but there is also no one else on this earth that can bring me to such saddness.....and today this stinks!
I hate that I am questioning God's plan for Gavin and my life, but occasionally I do and I hate days like this! I KNOW that God's plan is always better than my own and I know that tomorrow will be a better day, but today stinks and I had to get it out!
I wish that I knew what God's plan and reasoning is and was for Gavin and I.....but maybe I am blessed not to know the future for us?
I AM TRULY BLESSED.....I just can't see these blessings right now....my eyes are too clouded with tears.
I long for the day that I will be able to see my sweet boy walking and whole.....today this day cannot come soon enough for me!
Typing this out has helped bring some calm to me.....and the tears are subsiding. I will feel better soon, but today I'm feeling sad.
Gavin truly does make my life happier and better!
I'm just not feeling it today.
"Better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for that is the end of all men; and the living will take it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for a sad heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." Ecclesiastes 7:2-4