The last month or so has been rough! There has been a lot going on and Gavin has been abnormally sick. This has made me into one tired Momma, and little bit overwhelmed! Days at our house are seriously full, just like everyone else's home.....but when you add a Gavin to the mix....some days are just SO tiring! And, most of the tiredness comes from mental exhaustion.
I don't know what is going on with my sweet boy, and this can be so wearing on me! He gets sick, and then he is better, and then he is sick and then he is better. The problem is....the better only lasts a couple of days. I really don't think that he is sick, but he just keeps having so many secretions and this causes him to gag, retch, spit up.......over and over again! Last week was a pretty good week and he made it back to school after having been off for over 4 weeks. But, come this Monday....he's right back at it again!
You may think that this doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it is.....I'm just so tired of it! This is how the day goes. I am woke up in the middle of the night several times, due to his gagging and coughing, and I have to run to help him. Either that, or I am woke up by the beeping of his feeding pump and I have to run to fix whatever the problem is. Gavin is a TERRIFIC sleeper and I am very thankful for this! I should be sleeping great, because he is such an angel, but between the beeping, the gagging, the coughing and all of my thinking....I am so tired!
Then, I get up in the morning feeling exhausted and grumpy and have to do all my Momma things: (breakfast, make lunches, set out clothes, constantly tell my middle boys to stop goofing off and to hurry up if they are going to school today, break up their arguments, remind them to do everything....because they have very smart brains, but they don't like to use them!.....and in between all of this, I have to run to help Gavin when he is having another gagging/coughing fit and fix the STINKIN' beeping feeding pump!, shut off the feeding pump, and then rush everyone to the van....but first remember to grab napkins to have in the van, for when Gavin gags and retches and spits up everything that the stinkin' feeding pump just put into his cute little tummy!....drive the boys to school, tell them to behave and that I'll miss them and that I love them....and give them probably the first smile that they have seen from me all morning......drive home, do Gavin's meds, change several diapers, get him dressed and have him spit up all over the clothes I just put on him, change his clothes again!......) I think you get the picture.
I realize that most Mommas have to do a lot of this every day. It's what us Moms do when we have little ones and big ones! But, here is the mentally exhausting part.....my little one is never going to get "big"! Gavin WILL get bigger, but he will probably never be able to sit up on his own, and I will always having to deal with that stinkin' feeding pump and I will always have to carry my sweet boy everywhere and I will continue to have aching biceps and neck and back....and I will have to do all of this every single day! The thought of this really tires me out!
I am seriously not complaining here, I just need to release all of this and then get on with my day. I WANT to be able to do all of this for Gavin and my boys! I LOVE my job as their Momma! LOVE IT!!! I just get so tired from doing it every single day, and especially when it hurts so much (mentally and physically), having a child that can't even sit up on his own at 4 years of age!
I REALLY hope that I get to do all of this for MANY more years to come! I dread the day that the cardiologist tells us that this is all that we can do and Gavin's heart just can't tolerate the demands of his body any longer! I want to care for Gavin forever, but I'm not going to lie.....it is a really tough job to have!
Today I woke up feeling especially overwhelmed. Joel is gone hunting and all of the weight is on me. I am so happy that he is able to be gone for awhile, because he totally deserves a break, since he works so hard outside of our house, so that I am able to stay home and do the job that I seriously love. But, without him here, it is definitely more taxing on me, since caring for Gavin can be such a physical and emotional job! I am seriously not complaining about him being gone....I kind of enjoy getting to spend time with just my boys and having them all to myself....I am selfish like that. :) But, I'm just so tired.
Speaking of my boys.....they are wild, crazy, overstimulating, argumentative, loud, full of energy, and did I mention, WILD?! BUT.....they are also so fun to be around, happy, smart, handsome, and helpful boys! They really pick up the slack when their Dad is away and I don't know what I would do without them! They seem to know that they need to behave better and help out more when Dad is away....especially Jake, and I am so blessed to have them as mine!
But, since I'm tired and have a lot to do in a day, I woke up really feeling overwhelmed today! I felt ready to throw in the towel and just give up! So did I? Thankfully I didn't have to! I read a quote on a friend's facebook page that helped lift my spirits, and then I heard a song on the radio that gave me hope! In fact, it's the song that is playing on my blog right now. (Voice of Truth, by Casting Crowns)
Although I was already home from driving the boys to school, I sat in my van a little longer to listen to the song's words, and suddenly I was in tears and feeling a sense of clarity and thankfulness. All the wordly voices that we "hear" on a daily basis started to go away and I was able to see the big picture!
The daily voices that I hear each day are, "Why do some people seem to have it so easy and I have a child who needs so much care? Why do I feel so alone in this world? Why can't Gavin just learn to sit up? Why can't just one day go easy? Why have I been called to live this life that I am having to live?"
Today, I heard the answer to these questions. The answer was always there, but it is often drowned out by all those questions of "Why?". I just needed to listen carefully and remember. Today I found the answer in a song. And, I know that tomorrow I will be given the answer some other way.....maybe through the hug from one of my boys. Maybe from the kind words of a fellow blogger, or a thoughtful friend. Maybe from my husband....who comes home again tomorrow! Maybe from my wonderful Mother, who always knows just what I need to hear. Maybe from a verse in the Bible. The answer is always given to me just when I feel like I'm falling apart! And, this always amazes me!
So, what is the answer to all of the negative voices that we hear in this world? Today I heard it in a song, and today I am thankful to know that all that I do in this life is so worth it and that there is a purpose for it all.........it is all done for His glory! And, this makes me feel so glorious! Today may be hard, but each and every day, I can choose to wake up to "the voice of truth".....which is such a wonderful gift.....The gift of God's promises to me!
And also, the gift of this precious boy.....who seems to help me listen a whole lot more clearly!
"So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." Psalm 63:2-3