This week I'm struggling with the feelings that I have regarding my life. I LOVE my role as a mother! In fact, if not for having my hands full already with all of Gavin's needs, I would definitley want to try for more children. I love caring for my children. I love learning from them. I love looking at them. I love being their mom! But...(there always seems to be a but!), I feel so overwhelmed at times with all the responsibility that I have trying to raise "them up in the way they should go." Some days I just want to get away from it all, and with Gavin, that's just not possible for more than a few hours at a time. Some days I just feel like screaming and running away to be by myself! Today is one of those days! So, I came here to vent.
I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it! I told my boys this morning that they better shape up because I have zero patience today and that things need to start going smoother around here! We are having some work done on our house right now, Joel is leaving for 5 days to go hunting, the boys have been way too goofy and not listening well.......and I'm at my wits end! I need a vacation!
Like I said, I love my role as a mom and wouldn't change it for any other role, but moms need a break too! The thing is, with Gavin, I really don't have the option of getting away from it all. When I do get away to get groceries or to walk around the mall, I feel guilty. I also worry because I'm the ONLY one who knows what to do for Gavin! Joel says he's not really interested in learning everything and he's gone so much anyway, that it's not usually necessary. But, what if something were to happen to me?! I know that I've voiced my concerns about this before, but I still worry about this because nothing has been solved regarding this issue. I just feel like I have so much responsibility on my shoulders! Most days I am fine with it, but then there are days like today.
Almost every decision that I make is made with Gavin in mind. Some of the work that we are having done on our house is for him. We had to tear out a wall to make a doorway opening bigger so that a wheelchair could fit through it. My future seems to have been decided by him. I had planned on going back to work after our children were older, but now I'll probably be caring for him instead. (If we are blessed to have him still alive at that point.) I've always told Joel that I planned on having our parents live with us when they got older because I just couldn't imagine sending them to a nursing home, but now I have Gavin to care for down the road. The time that I schedule doctors appointments for him revolves around breathing treatments 3 times a day or when he is connected to his feeding pump. Where we go and who we have over to our house, due to his need to be away from germs, especially this time of year, is decided with Gavin in mind.....and the list goes on! It might sound like I'm not happy to have the responsibility of Gavin, but that is farthest from the truth! I would count him as one of the greatest blessings that I have been given! But, I'm human and can only cope with so much before I need a break or someone to vent to. So, this is what I'm doing now. Thanks for 'listening' and allowing me to air my frustrations! Thanks for the prayers as well! I know that this too shall pass, but today I'm losing it! Until then I'll try to remember this...
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth - Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord. But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and deliverer; Do not delay, O my God." Psalm 40:1-3 & 17