Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Love/Hate Relationship

This week I'm struggling with the feelings that I have regarding my life. I LOVE my role as a mother! In fact, if not for having my hands full already with all of Gavin's needs, I would definitley want to try for more children. I love caring for my children. I love learning from them. I love looking at them. I love being their mom! But...(there always seems to be a but!), I feel so overwhelmed at times with all the responsibility that I have trying to raise "them up in the way they should go." Some days I just want to get away from it all, and with Gavin, that's just not possible for more than a few hours at a time. Some days I just feel like screaming and running away to be by myself! Today is one of those days! So, I came here to vent.

I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it! I told my boys this morning that they better shape up because I have zero patience today and that things need to start going smoother around here! We are having some work done on our house right now, Joel is leaving for 5 days to go hunting, the boys have been way too goofy and not listening well.......and I'm at my wits end! I need a vacation!

Like I said, I love my role as a mom and wouldn't change it for any other role, but moms need a break too! The thing is, with Gavin, I really don't have the option of getting away from it all. When I do get away to get groceries or to walk around the mall, I feel guilty. I also worry because I'm the ONLY one who knows what to do for Gavin! Joel says he's not really interested in learning everything and he's gone so much anyway, that it's not usually necessary. But, what if something were to happen to me?! I know that I've voiced my concerns about this before, but I still worry about this because nothing has been solved regarding this issue. I just feel like I have so much responsibility on my shoulders! Most days I am fine with it, but then there are days like today.

Almost every decision that I make is made with Gavin in mind. Some of the work that we are having done on our house is for him. We had to tear out a wall to make a doorway opening bigger so that a wheelchair could fit through it. My future seems to have been decided by him. I had planned on going back to work after our children were older, but now I'll probably be caring for him instead. (If we are blessed to have him still alive at that point.) I've always told Joel that I planned on having our parents live with us when they got older because I just couldn't imagine sending them to a nursing home, but now I have Gavin to care for down the road. The time that I schedule doctors appointments for him revolves around breathing treatments 3 times a day or when he is connected to his feeding pump. Where we go and who we have over to our house, due to his need to be away from germs, especially this time of year, is decided with Gavin in mind.....and the list goes on! It might sound like I'm not happy to have the responsibility of Gavin, but that is farthest from the truth! I would count him as one of the greatest blessings that I have been given! But, I'm human and can only cope with so much before I need a break or someone to vent to. So, this is what I'm doing now. Thanks for 'listening' and allowing me to air my frustrations! Thanks for the prayers as well! I know that this too shall pass, but today I'm losing it! Until then I'll try to remember this...

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth - Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord. But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks upon me. You are my help and deliverer; Do not delay, O my God." Psalm 40:1-3 & 17

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

My situation is much different than yours, but the feeling of overwhelm is just the same. A vacation would be a godsend, but it won’t happen for me either. Just know that you aren’t alone in these feelings and tomorrow will bring a better day…you’re a great Mom, and don’t forget that!

Anonymous said...

My situation is much different than yours, but the feeling of overwhelm is just the same. A vacation would be a godsend, but it won’t happen for me either. Just know that you aren’t alone in these feelings and tomorrow will bring a better day…you’re a great Mom, and don’t forget that!

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

I know what it is, Gavin has been sick and you havent been getting that sleep that we need to do this HUGE job. Every workd you wrote rang true with me. Im right there next to you. I dont go anywhere or do anything without Alex deciding how I do it. Life is upside down, and a lot of the time I am ok with it, but in those moments Im not, I reach out to all of you.

You can do this. You can do this, You can do this!!!!
Love you

hennhouse said...

I agree with Jessica; we're right there with you. Let those feelings of overwhelming concern and extreme responsibility drive you to your knees. You don't need to know all of the answers right now. You need to know how to get through the next ten minutes. Today. Then tomorrow. And the next five days. But only one moment at a time. Even in the most overwhelming moments, there is something to be joyful about. Love you.

CK said...

I felt as though you read my mind when you wrote this! I wish I was home with Peter and the other kids - but my blessing has been different, and as such I must get up and go to work when I really rather not. But, I too have had the days where I want to run because hiding in the bathroom isn't a safe place either :-) You are feeling how so many of us do - even when the kids are healthy. Know that you are not alone!! You have a lot on your shoulders and sometimes it does feel like too much. I wish I could drive over and give you a break for even a few hours for a spa date! HUGS!! catherine krause cp: peteralistairkrause

CK said...

I felt as though you read my mind when you wrote this! I wish I was home with Peter and the other kids - but my blessing has been different, and as such I must get up and go to work when I really rather not. But, I too have had the days where I want to run because hiding in the bathroom isn't a safe place either :-) You are feeling how so many of us do - even when the kids are healthy. Know that you are not alone!! You have a lot on your shoulders and sometimes it does feel like too much. I wish I could drive over and give you a break for even a few hours for a spa date! HUGS!! catherine krause cp: peteralistairkrause

CK said...

I felt as though you read my mind when you wrote this! I wish I was home with Peter and the other kids - but my blessing has been different, and as such I must get up and go to work when I really rather not. But, I too have had the days where I want to run because hiding in the bathroom isn't a safe place either :-) You are feeling how so many of us do - even when the kids are healthy. Know that you are not alone!! You have a lot on your shoulders and sometimes it does feel like too much. I wish I could drive over and give you a break for even a few hours for a spa date! HUGS!! catherine krause cp: peteralistairkrause

Tamara said...

Oh Alicia, sweetie I hear your groanings and know them all to well! Thanks for venting... you just vented for me too with the perfect words that I would have used! I so wish all us lived closer to one another... sometime this blogging thing is good and then not, because now that we walk the same path it would be so nice to actually "walk" together! I wish I had some miracle answers for us all, but I don't. I do know that this is the worst it will be for us... we have heaven to look forward to and this life here is but a vapor and then gone. The days feel so long, yet will reflect forever in heaven. Do not grow weary in doing good my friend.

"Humble yourselves therefore under Gods mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxeity on him because he care for you. Be self-controlled and alert, your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, stand firm in the faith because you know your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever, amen." 1 Peter 5:6-10

Loving you my sweet friend! You sista here in CO

Anonymous said...

Your Esther Circle prayer warriors at St. John Lutheran Church, in Rochester, MI, will continue to lift you, your needs, and your family's needs, up to the Lord. May your strength of body, mind, and spirit be renewed in the loving arms of Jesus today!
Marilyn Miller

Anonymous said...

Reading your lament reminded me of both my own frustration and stress as a stay-at-home mom and of my mom's burden of caring for my brother (who was brain damaged at birth) while trying to keep her other two children out of mischief. Like you, it was her faith that kept her going. I remember that she posted a poem about "special children" near the phone. It was a daily reminder to all of us that God has a special love for these children and their families. My mom was fortunate enough to have the physical support of her extended family. You are finding spiritual support from mom's all around the country. That won't help you take some time off - but God works in wondrous ways to meet our needs.
You and your family are in my prayers>

Inspired said...

Alicia and all you amazing women above - you are saints!! Mom's above, thank you for taking care of Alicia! Your support to her is so important because you are all connected in a way that her "other" support network can't be. Tears streaming down my face first for the frustration I know Alicia is facing and second for being thankful she has you all cheering for her.
With much respect,
Julie

Princess Abigail said...

Alicia, I do understand. Our children are blessings, and we feel lifted in life with the pure happiness they bring. Its just that that pure joy sometimes gets overtaken by the physical responsibilty stuff .. and suddenly before we know it we are tired and at our wits end. I know, I get stuck down that cul-de-sac quite regularly. Thank goodness Gavin and Abigail - and all their miracle counterparts out there - make up a thousand-fold for some of the exhaustion they unwittingly cause.

I will say an extra prayer for you guys tonight, and send out an extra helping of positive vibes.

If you ever need to chat, I am ever so good at listening and saying all the right things! Just send me your number and I'll call you during your waking hours. I would like to 'meet' you outside of the blog world for a few minutes!!

Alison

Cindy (TJ's mom) said...

Alicia,

I wish we lived closer! I'd watch him for you!!!!