Monday, December 7, 2009


Saturday night I didn't sleep very well. Nolan was up coughing half the night and I kept checking on him, plus I was thinking a lot. One of the things that I was thinking about was how emmersed in life I get. Life just seems to fly by and everything seems to become such a blur. I get caught up in caring for my family and driving them places and doing errands and just getting consumed by it all. Sometimes I wonder, "What is the purpose of it all?" I mean, am I really serving a purpose? Are any of us really serving a purpose with what we do with our lives? In today's world it sure doesn't look like it a lot of the time. Everyone appears to be consumed with themselves.

Anyway, I know that I become consumed with myself. When I say "myself", I mean my family, because that IS primarily what I am: My boys' mother and my husband's wife. And, I'm totally O.K. with this! But, I do feel like it consumes me and I'm unable to help others as much as I'd want to and unable to "put my stamp on this world."

I started thinking that most people I know probably feel like this. I know that my purpose is to mother my children and to try to raise them to be the best that they can possibly be, but am I really helping the world or others by doing this? Many days it surely doesn't feel like I am! I look at many people and their calling in life and think that they probably feel the same way that I feel.....maybe not, but I think so. Then there are doctors, nurses, teachers and these professions' purposes are very clear to me. They are saving lives and educating! I long to feel more purposeful, like they must. Actually, I am a nurse and when I worked outside the home, I never really felt that purposeful then either. So, maybe all these crazy thoughts and feelings are just me?!

But, seriously, I find myself going through each and every day and wonder if I am really accomplishing anything important? Yes, I try to be a good Mom and I try to raise up my children so that they will someday be able to offer something important to this world. And, having Gavin in my life I truly do have a huge role.....just in keeping him alive alone! But, what is the purpose in that in the end?

And, in all of my duties how well do I even do them? I FAIL MISERABLY ALL DAY LONG! I lose my patience. I give up sometimes. I get lazy. I get angry and want to knock someone upside their head occasionally.....OOPS did I actually just type that, maybe this is just how I act and feel some days?! :) But actually, I'm confident that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

Many of us try to be good people. But, when you think about it we are, for the most part, pretty rotten! At least I know that I am! I try! And, I do succeed to do well often, but probably half of my day I am feeling grumpy or upset with someone, or I'm annoyed or, I am not feeling fulfillment in the role that God has given me. In other words I sin all day long!

Yesterday morning I woke up and said something like this to Joel, "Can you imagine being Jesus and living on this earth and NEVER sinning?!" I sure can't imagine! I'm sure that I wouldn't have lasted 1 hour without sinning!

"There is none righteous, no, not one." Romans 3:10

Guess what the message was that we heard in church yesterday morning?! You guessed it! It was on this very topic! I love when this happens!

It AMAZES me that Jesus was able to do this, as a human, on this earth! Although, He was God, He was sent in human form and, like we learned in church, He was under the same laws that we are under (The Ten Commandments) and He was able to uphold all of these laws! WOW! And, He did not have to do this, but He did.....For us! And, He did it PERFECTLY!

Since He had to endure a lot of what we have to endure each day, He can truly understand us and our feelings:

"For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin." Hebrews 4:15

I feel that it is such a blessing to know that God understands the feelings, concerns and hardships that I go through each day! But, I can't even begin to grasp that He was able to go through all of this and NEVER sin or have a bad thought or action! AMAZING!

He walked this earth and suffered for us, so that we might be saved and live eternally with Him! And, another blessing that we have is that we do not have to do ANYTHING to gain entrance into life eternal with Him! He took to Himself our transgressions. He purchased us and redeemed us! He did all of this for us and He did all of it while living perfectly! Truly Amazing.....but that's God!

So, every day I will try. I will try to do the duties that I have been called to do and although I will continue to sin all day long, I will try to be thankful that; although this life is far from perfect and I am far from perfect, there IS A PURPOSE!


Here is a picture of Nolan reading the Bible to Caleb and Caleb's stuffed animals.

Seeing this warmed my heart! I fail miserably as a Mom, but for the most part, their hearts are in the right place. In fact, Nolan's teacher said at school conferences, that sometimes she really wants to go home with a child to watch them interact with their family, just to learn how a child has become the person that that they have become. She told us that she feels this way about Nolan, because he has so many gifts.

While this also warmed my heart, Joel and I can take almost no credit for him being the way that he is! He is the way that God made him and God gave him some really wonderful gifts! Nolan was also given some really bad behaviors, :) but, he was given many WONDERFUL qualities and he tries really hard to use these qualities to their fullest! This is a daily inspiration to me! That I should use my gifts and to try to be content in my role!

And, this little guy!

He is so innocent and I often say, "More God-like." I can't help but feel closer to God when I am around him! God made Gavin very different than most of us, but I can't help but feel that he is, in many ways, more like Jesus than any of us could ever be! This, too, is an inspiration to me!

Actually, ALL of my boys are an inspiration to me! They are such blessings!

So, all this thinking has created a LONG post (Sorry!), but it has also made me realize that I am truly blessed and that, although life is crazy and it may seem to be without purpose, it sure is GOOD!

"As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all that trust in Him." Psalm 18:30


Becky said...

"No other success can compensate for failure in the home!" This is one of my favorite quotes. YOU are doing exactly what our Heavenly Father wants us to do. Raise goodly children. What a legacy you will be leaving behind someday. Your sons are amazing!

Lacey said...

I feel the same way sometimes. I am a nurse also, but ever since I was tiny, i wanted to be a doctor. I still to this day study medical stuff like crazy. My pediatrician keeps trying to get me to go back to school, ya right. I do feel like I should be a doctor though, that that was what I was meant to do. I do it great at home though.
And I can't believe how Jax touches people. I know all DS kids touch people, but I know there is something extra special about him, and other people see it too. They hold him and get tears in their eyes. Our little angel boys!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

It is amazing how well rounded our kids turn out! I always get compliments on my Monkey's behavior, his teacher loves him. The principal recently talked to me about how he chooses to go into the Special Day Class at recess sometimes, just to play with the kids. He says they remind him of Peanut, and he thinks they are cute.

We ARE doing a great job, even though we thinking we are not sometimes!

Alicia said...

You are SO not alone in feeling this way! Every time I lose my temper and yell at Marissa or wake up with a terrible attitude, I say to myself "we'll, tomorrow is another day, I'll start over".

Rest assured, you are a wonderful Mama. I know it might not seem like it but you are! God made YOU that way! ; )