Friday, September 5, 2008
Just me and Gavin
So, you know that I was dreading sending the boys back to school. The day came and I found myself swimming in a sea of emotions! I was feeling happy because I knew that Nolan and Caleb were so excited about it and I knew that Jacob would love the independence that came with being a seventh grader. Yet, I was worried that Jacob would be feeling sad that school was back in session and I was worried that Nolan and Caleb would be giving their teachers a run for their money! You may want to pray for their teachers this year! They are both full of energy and lots of questions!
Here are pictures of each of them on their first day of school:
-----------------------Aren't they handsome?!-------------------------
Anyway, I started to cry on my way home from dropping them off at school. I'm not usually like this. I may feel sad about sending them back to school, but I usually don't cry! The crying continued when I got home and I was wondering to myself, "Why are you so emotional about this?!" I started thinking about it and decided that I felt sad that Caleb was starting kindergarten and that he had become so mature over the summer and that my 'job' with teaching him was done in many ways. Plus, he is always so cute about telling me how smart and beautiful that he thinks I am. And, I must admit, I enjoy this and I'm going to miss his sweet ways with him being gone all day!
I also started thinking that I just don't have much of a purpose anymore. Pitiful, huh?! Joel thought that I was being negative and that I should look on the bright side of the situation. But, it was hard for me to see the bright side. I told him to think about it. While my life has actually been given more purpose since Gavin was born, the fruits of my labor are few and far between. I reminded him that he goes to work, and as a physical therapist, he sees improvement in his patients. They get better, they thank him for what he was able to do for them, he gets adult conversation all day long, he gets praise and he gets a paycheck! (Although, I must admit he is very giving to me with that paycheck!)
When Jacob, then Nolan went off to school in their younger years, I still felt like I had a purpose with the son(s) that were still at home with me. I would be able help them to advance physically or academically by helping them learn to walk, talk, learn their numbers and ABC'S. It's different with Gavin! I can try my hardest to help him to learn to sit up, etc., but nothing seems to work! I labor, but I don't get the fruits of that labor! It's hard! So, I realized that this was why I was having such a hard time sending my other boys off to school. I have to admit that we have seen a lot of progress with Gavin, especially lately, but it's SO slow and we haven't been given a lot of hope from his doctors that he will advance very far. He HAS stayed out of the hospital, without seizures and healthy for a long time, He HAS become more active and interactive with us, He HAS been smiling and 'talking' to us a lot more and he's even started to laugh a little when being tickled! I am SO VERY thankful for these improvements, but he's almost 2 years old and, like I said, he's still like an infant. So, I struggle with this daily and especially this week! I'd really appreciate your prayers about this! Also, let me know if any of you have any suggestions of how I might be able to find more purpose in my life. It's not like I don't have plenty to do to fill my time, but I feel like I need something more. I've thought of starting a bible study for mothers with special needs children, but I'm not a leader type at all and I don't even know where to begin anyway. But, if anyone is interested or knows of anyone who would be interested, let me know. Thanks!
As if this post wasn't long enough already and as if my week wasn't emotional enough.......We went to Gavin's school lastnight for an openhouse to meet his teachers and see what it was all about. I left feeling more emotional than ever! The class he and I will be involved in once a week will have 7 other babies in it. The ones that I saw at the openhouse are way more advanced than Gavin and younger than he is. So, I felt way out of place and wondered how we would even fit into this class. Plus, the equipment that they have there seems so advanced for Gavin. I can't even imagine him being able to use most of it. So, now I have reservations about even having him go. Oh, the emotional roller coaster of raising a special child! More prayers please!
I do want to end this depressing post on a light note. I found some very positive things to sending our boys back to school! I don't have to play referee all day to Nolan and Caleb! No whining! No arguments! And, when Gavin and I went to the mall to walk around, I didn't have to make a stop at the toy store! :) So, it's not all bad!
"Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; My flesh also will rest in hope. For You will not leave my soul in Sheol, Nor will You allow Your Holy One to see corruption. You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:9-11