I feel tired. I feel defeated. I feel lonely. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like running away from it all!!!
Now that you know how I feel, I'll tell you why. Being a mother and a wife is a VERY DIFFICULT JOB! Especially when you live with the bunch that I live with! I feel like a glass of water, that has 5 straws in it, and they are sucking me dry! I'm not a person with a whole lot of energy anyway. In fact, I'm quite sure that I never had to be told to go to bed as a child. I've always needed my sleep. So, add this trait to the fact that my children and husband are FULL of ENERGY and FULL of STUBBORNESS....well, I'm just worn out!
After all, I'm only one person....Gasp!....Really I am! This is difficult for me to admit, but it is so true! I can't please everyone and I really need to stop trying! Lately, I feel drawn in so many directions and I really feel the guilt trips setting in. Do you know how often I actually do something for myself? Hmmm....well, I use the bathroom and I occasionally get a shower in. Of course, someone always seems to barge in or come knocking on the door when this rarity occurs. I have no hobbies or outlets. I RARELY get out, except to shop for the family or transport children to and from school. The rest of my family seems to have no problem doing extracurricular activities. Let's see....there is soccer, softball, hunting and hunting trips, cadets, football games, target practice, etc.....and yet, I'm always put on the backburner. I'm O.K. with this most of the time, but sometimes it starts to wear on me!
I have put my family first and I believe that this is what I should be doing, but some perks would be nice too! I told Joel that he may have to get up eary and go to work and support our family, but at least he gets perks at his job! People thank him for helping them. They bring him gifts. He gets a paycheck. He even gets to play catch and football on the job! I know that I get perks too, but they sure are few and far between. Plus, most of the time I hear, "What did you do all day long?, "Why can't you make us better meals?".....and the list goes on! And, just so you know, I feel that I make great meals. Yes, we have hamburgers, spaghetti and hotdogs more than I'd like to admit, but I also make Tilapia, steak, orange chicken, shrimp, and crab legs for crying out loud! And, no my home is not the cleanest and most organized home around. Unfortunately, It's far from it, but I do have more important matters to deal with. Like for example; making up many meds, doing nebulizer treatments, doing strengthening exercises with Gavin, playing with Gavin(since he can't even do this alone.), helping with homework, scheduling and going to doctor's appointments, remembering to order new supplies and medications, giving my other children some attention, driving people everywhere they need to go, and getting some much needed sleep every once in a while too! Oh...and again, I'm only one person!
Back to being a glass of water sucked dry; the guys in my life seriously have an abundance of energy! I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado most days. My voice is almost never heard. I repeat myself constantly and no one seems to listen. The guys in my life are so kind to others outside our home, but once they are with me.....everything changes. I guess I'm the safe dumping ground and the permanent fixture that gets taken for granted. No one takes time to talk with me. All I hear are complaints and arguing. I'm rarely given friendship or support. My needs just don't matter! Like I said, most days I'm O.K. with this, because my main goal in life was to become a wife and a mother and I do not take the fact that I am married and have 4 wonderful boys for granted! I am SO BLESSED! But, I have needs too!
I invest a ton of time in caring for my family. They are a tough bunch to crack and this is an emotional task most days. But, I never give up and I never will! The other day I told Joel that when I finally lose it and walk out the door for a week to find myself again, this household will get a huge wake-up call! This fairly well-oiled ship, our household, that keeps on sailing even when bumps come along, will definitely be hitting an iceberg and start to sink fast once the driver of the ship stops steering! Of course, I will never just leave, because each morning I buck up and take my responsibilities seriously! But, it sure would be nice to get away for awhile!
I truly LOVE my family and I truly LOVE to be with them, but ALL Mommas need a break, some appreciation, some love, some friendship and some time alone.
Our boys have such great qualities, but they are also very headstrong. It takes a dedicated person to keep them in line and heading in the right direction. I often feel so alone in this daunting task! I realize that I should be looking to God for my needs to be met. I realize that with Him I am never really alone, but some days it sure does feel like I am!
Oh, and add a child that has special needs to this mix! Did I mention how tired I am? I recently read a shirt that said, "I am the mother of a special needs child. What's your superpower?" I laughed when I read this, but it sure does take a lot more strength to get through your days when you are caring for a child that needs so much! Especially when you add this child to the bunch that I already have!
The truth is, life with a special needs child can be VERY difficult, but it is also very rewarding as well! I was at the mall with Gavin this past week. A lady came up and asked if Gavin was my first child. I told her that he was my fourth and that I had 4 boys. She said, well it doesn't really matter if you get girls or boys, as long as they are healthy. So, I said, "Well, actually he has not been very healthy in his life and he has spent lots of time in the hospital." I told her that he was born with Down syndrome and she said, "Wow, I give you lots of credit." I thought about it a minute and then I told her that I didn't deserve any credit, but if I did then it would be for dealing with my other 3 boys, not Gavin! She just laughed, but it's true! I told her what a blessing Gavin has been. Caring for him is definitely more physically difficult. My neck, back and shoulders hurt most of the time. His not being able to sit up on his own is SO TRYING to my body! If you happen to have a child with special needs and they can at least sit up on their own, thank God for this great blessing! I have to carry him everywhere and just holding him takes so much support. Caring for him can be emotionally trying as well, especially when he is sick and in the hospital, but the other guys in my life are actually more emotionally trying than Gavin ever is!
In fact, Gavin calms my nerves and lowers my blood pressure more than anything else on this earth! If I'm feeling overwhelmed or stressed, all I have to do is pick him up and I feel better, emotionally anyway. He brings such peace to my life. He makes me see how blessed I am to have all of my abilities and he brings such a sense of innocence to my life.
Life is hard for ALL of us! And, I know that I could have it a WHOLE LOT worse, but sometimes I just need to get it all out, so that I can continue to forge through this life of mine! Thanks for being a sounding board.....as if you had a choice! I am so thankful for my blogging friends and the support that I am given through them! So, thank you to the many that do provide me with friendship and love. What would I do without you?!
Say some prayers for me.....or maybe you should pray for my family instead, just in case I do walk out the door someday to catch a break! :)
Any of you feel the need to vent? I am a terrific listener! Purge all your worries in a comment below. I promise to listen and I will understand! HUGS!!!
"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait I say on the Lord!" Psalm 27:14
