Thursday, June 19, 2008

The answers are all there!

I let my mind go wandering again! I don't know if it has to do with the fact that it is WAY too quiet here, since it has only been Gavin and I home alone, (the other boys are with grandma today) or if I have been suppressing worries that just needed to get out. Either way, I found myself in a mess. I've been thinking about how much I miss feeding Gavin by mouth., I've been thinking about how he was before the stroke., I've been thinking about not being able to just get up and go to the grocery store easily, since I still haven't figured out a way to take Gavin alone. (He can't sit up, so the grocery cart is out of the question and the stroller won't hold enough groceries. I've been given the suggestion of pushing the stroller with one hand and pulling the cart with my other hand by a wonder woman, but that just isn't safe for fellow shoppers! You should see how well I drive just the cart alone!), I've been thinking about how crazy it is that I long for a quiet day alone, but when I get the chance I'm miserable without all the craziness!, I've been thinking about the very extreme possibility that Gavin may never sit up or develop any further., I've been thinking about long term plans for him. (Who will take care of him if something happens to me? Joel doesn't even know a whole lot about what Gavin's meds, doctors or schedule.), I've been thinking about how all of this may be affecting our other boys. (although, they really seem to take it all in stride and appear happy to have Gavin as a brother.), I've been thinking about how ridiculous it seems when others complain to me about their small 'problems'. (although I totally get how those 'problems' seem enormous when you haven't been faced with something more heart breaking and worrysome.), I've been thinking about how my worries don't compare to a whole lot of other people's!, I've been thinking about how different our life would be right now if mistakes weren't made and Gavin hadn't had a stroke., I've been thinking about how there really isn't a support group or book that I can totally relate to...........O.K., I think you get the picture!

Anyway, like I said I'm a mess! I haven't answered the phone today, because I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I haven't done hardly any of the household chores that I planned on doing. All I've done is think about these things and hold & love on the Vinster. (This was the fun part!) Finally I snapped out of it and looked at my bible. I thought to myself, "Hello! The answers are all right there!" I don't know why I let myself dive into despair so deeply, when I could just find the comfort and resolutions right there before me! I guess we all have to feel like we are sinking sometimes before we look for a life raft! I'm thankful for mine, but I just have to remember to rely on it at all times! So, finally, I opened my bible up to the concordance and looked up the words suffering and afraid. I was led to several scriptures which got me 'floating' again and breathing some fresh air! I may not have been told exactly, "Alicia, don't worry about who will care for Gavin if something should happen to you. I have ordained for _____ to take care of him." But, I was told, "Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms."(James 5:13) and "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."(James 4:8) and I was also reminded of Psalm 23.

God has it all figured out FOR me! I have nothing to fear! He has gotten me through more that I thought I could endure and He will continue to do so! I am so thankful for this knowledge! Now.....time for some chores! :(

"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." Psalm 56:3


Cathy said...

Alicia, I think some days I am reading the same script! I am embarrassed to say I don't always turn to my Bible. Sometimes I think I would rather wallow in my pity. He is always there for us. I tried to do it all alone for 3 years. I have just agreed to use a program that provides nursing (respite care). I thought I didn't need it, I would look weak!
I was picky about each one they sent out and then LaToya came along. I am so blessed to have her in our life. The program is MDCP. Annabel qualifies for 32 hrs. week. I don't have to use it but it is there. I can just stay in the house or run errands. I return home so energized. I am praying that you come across some really great help. I just never wanted to ask friends even though many offered. Praying God continues to bless you family, Cathy & Annabel

The VW's said...


Thanks for making me realize that I'm not alone in having these feelings! Some days pity wins us over and I hate it when it does!

I am also offered help by many friends, but I hate to ask for it. Plus, sometimes it's just easier to do it on your own anyway. Thanks for the info about respite care. We may use it some day, but I am really picky as well!

Keep up your wonderful care of Annabel! You are doing a terrific job! Thanks for blessing me with your comment today!


Anxious AF said...

my emotions seem to win everyday!
I have often wondered what would happen with Alex's medicine and doc appointments if I werent here. I need to give Adam a quick run down. He is a great support, but I dont think he knows alot about all the appointments and such.

Anonymous said...


Everything you said, YES. Everything you said. I read what you said about needing a support group, but not wanting to talk to anyone. Yes. That's why I love email :) I can cry and still say what I want to at the same time. There are days...there are days. The song "On My Knees" certainly has become a theme in my life. "There are days, when I feel the best of me is waiting to begin, then there are days, when I feel, I'm letting go and soaring on the wind. But I've learned in laughter or in pain how to survive. I get on my knees..." How true. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Praying for you, praying for your boys, praying for Gavin.

Tucker's Mom

The VW's said...


After worrying so much about who would know what to do for Gavin if something should happen to me, I've decided that I need to make up a folder of his needs, doctors, meds and update it as needed. I know it will help me to not worry about this so much.

Emotions can be such a blessing and such a pain, can't they?! What an awesome emotion love is though, especially the love we have for our little guys! Praying that yours is doing well!!


Tucker's Mom,

I love that you signed your comment from "Tucker's mom!" What an awesome mom you are and what an awesome purpose you have as his mom!

I pray that Tucker continues to make improvements and that God will give you the peace and strength to sustain as you care for your precious boy! God Bless You!


Tamara said...

Alicia, I read your words and they touch my heart as I recall the many days I felt the same! It is a good reminder to constantly run to Christ each time we visit despair. I have nursing for Abby, never wanted it for the longest time... Didn't want to admit I needed the help or somehow show that I was weak by having it. It was very difficult at 1st, had to go through so many and found some wonderful ones inbetween. But hard to let a perfect stanger in my saftey place and trust them. Now we have Kaite and I just love her! She has become part of our family and cares for Abby as her own! Yesterday she could not make it and my day was an absolute mess! These days are a good reminder for me that I DO need her. Praying that the Lord will bring a special "Katie" in your life! :)

The VW's said...


Thanks for your support! I'm so glad that you have such a wonderful person to help care for Abby! Prayers continue for her and you!