Monday, January 12, 2009

Birthday Blues.....

Thirty-seven years ago today, I was born. And, today I'm having the birthday blues. It has nothing to do with my age. Seriously! In fact, a couple of weeks ago I was trying to remember how old I was. (Early memory loss?) Anyway, I could not remember how old I was. I thought that I was 37 and about to turn 38, but when I asked my boys, they told me I was only 36 at the time. So, turning 37 isn't a big deal since I thought I was that old already! Although, if you ask Caleb how old I am, he will tell you "Firty-seven," so it sounds like he's saying 47! Knowing that people might think that he's saying 47, I told him to say that his mom and dad are 3...7..., instead of saying 37 together, that way we don't age too quickly in everyone's eyes...I may still feel young, but I certainly don't want people thinking I'm 10 years older than I am! Anyway, my feeling down has nothing to do with my age. I think that I may be going through a mid-life crisis or something. I need change, fun and excitement! Any suggestions for someone like me???

Another thing that I'm feeling down about is life in general. Not necessarily my own life, but the trials I hear about and see going on in everyone's life. I think continuously and because I am always thinking I let myself get sad wishing that I could change so many circumstances for so many people. Life can be so difficult and sad! Sure, I wish that certain aspects of my life could be different, but for the most part I really am at peace with my life, but ONLY through the grace of God! There is no way that I could get through my days without peace from Him and the knowledge that He has it all under control! I do let my mind wander and start thinking about our future with Gavin. I start letting myself think about the wheelchair ramp we will surely need to build, and the heart surgeries that he will surely need to have, and the fact that someday I won't be able to just carry Gavin around and change his diaper and clothes so easily.....but then I stop myself before I get too anxious and not want to even get out of bed in the morning!

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is.....hmmm? I guess, that life can be hard for all of us and I let myself get burdened by all of the pain and suffering that I see. We all have struggles and it's just not fun! It also saddens me to know that there is so much suffering in people's lives and many don't even know God and the grace that only He can supply! If I didn't have this knowledge in my life, there is NO WAY that I could keep going somedays! So, what can I do about this? This used to be something that I would have struggled with even more than I am now, when I used to be a control freak. I've always known that God was the pilot and I was the co-pilot, but in the past I would think that I could take the wheel for awhile and see how good I could fly the plane! Since Gavin came along, I've had no choice but to sit back and relax (as well as I can) and let God navigate through this uncertain world for me. This is why I am mostly at peace, but it's also why I get down, because I know so many who don't have this comfort and knowledge!

So, today I am thanking God for my 37 years of life and all that He has blessed me with, but I'm also spending a lot of time feeling sad. Sad, for those who are suffering and especially sad for those who don't know the ONE and ONLY TRUE Savior! Between this and not sleeping well the last two nights (Gavin has been sick, feverish and miserable!), I'm slightly a mess! But, I'm praying! That is all that I can do.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28


Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!Prayer is the one thing we can do because we can't change so much in this world. We will continue to pray for you and Gavin. Praying for your health and well being. Praying now that Gavin will get better. Poor little guy just had a bad cold. Love The Hilton's

Heather said...

I read your post earlier and just could not formulate the words.So I am back.Still uncertain exactly what to say.First,a very happy birthday.I day to truly rejoice in that we have been given the gift of yet another day.I lesson learned,for me,like you,through the gift of one small soul.Funny how we thought we had perspective and into our lives came these children to teach us oh so much more.I too struggle with the very same thing as you.Overwhelmed by the burden and struggles of others.I think especially now as we walk this new journey.I try desperately to focus on what I do have control of.Outreaching my hand and heart to others.Offering support in whatever capacity it may be.Words sometimes but often my silence and a listening ear.And prayers.Lots of those.One day I will have a huge list and sit down with the Big Guy on things I did not and could not possibly comprehend and make sense of.It is not mine to understand right now.His plan is far greater and so much more complicated.and yet simple ... love of our fellow man and of Him.Thank you for your support and prayers as we continue this road with Miss Zoey.The support of others is what truly carries us in some of our most difficult moments.Rest well tonight and I hope Gavin begins to feel better soon.May I add him to Zoey's friends list?

Lacey said...

First happy birthday. Oh I had to sit back and think after I read your blog because its so much like how I feel. My husband always says "What kind of God would do this to harmless children". And I don't know the answer but I know they are a lot stronger than us. I was so nasty when he was in the hospital for 4 months and a mom was complaining after 1 week that they may have to stay another week. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "Oh cry me a river, two weeks is nothing". But i've gotten a lot more humble, and now that our suit is done and we are finally doing ok financially, i want to help everyone. Hugs from Lacey and Jax

Anxious AF said...

Happy birthday girl!!!! Im going to go eat some cake for you!

Penny Green said...

Happy Birthday Alicia.

Just found your blog and I'm sorry to hear that your little man is having a tough time with his heart. Even after 19 years involved with DS, I still find it hard to understand how some of our kids have to have such a rough passage whilst for others it's so much smoother.

Good luck to your family for the future, hope you get to enjoy some brilliant helthy times together.

Penny Green
Down's Heart Group

Shan said...

Happy Birthday Alicia! I hate to hear that you're feeling down on you day, but I fully understand how you get there. I think we're soul sisters. A few days of poor sleep and I find myself doing the same thing, worried, scared, taking on the grief of the world. I don't totally know why, but it's hard not to get down. I often feel like I'm climbing a gravel mountain and just trying not to slip down into the abyss. I'm praying that Gavin's bug passes and you can get some much needed rest. I hope the rest of your birthday is wonderful and I'm grateful for our friendship:)
As a side note, Josie also says "ffff" for almost any "th" sound. As in fanks, fursday, fink (think) and so on. Sometimes, it's a little embarrassing just how her words come out sounding!

Tamara said...

Hey Girly, Girl!

Me, me, me, me ,me...... "Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!... Happy... Dear... Alicia... Happy-Birthday to you!!!!!!

Oh sista how I wish we could sit together overlooking a warm beach... listen to the waves crash on the shore as distant seagulls fight over your birthday cake, but we don't mind, no, no... we relaxing sip our tea and breathe because we have no worries at all!

I love you 1st and foremost and am so glad that our crosses have past... oh shoot, see... I AM getting old! I meant our paths have crossed, fooey... I fear my birthday is creeping up and you can sure tell with my brain farting all the time!

Don't be blue friend... I love your post and re-directed thoughts towards the Lord! Look at that photo you posted... its beautiful and so calming!

Thinking of you ALWAYS!!!! I agree, the burnt morsels.... thanks for that reminder.. oh we will be so flavorful together! :O)

Annette Gysen said...

Happy birthday, Alicia! I'm so glad I get to know you and be your friend. It's so hard when birthdays aren't the blissful experiences we would like them to be.

Are you able to get away for a few hours? What do you like to do: see a movie, eat at your favorite restaurant, get a pedicure (one of my favorites). You really need to do some little nice thing for yourself. Give yourself a birthday gift! That always helped me in especially hard times, at least for awhile.

I'm praying Gavin will feel better so that you can feel better.

Be nice to yourself!!!

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