Friday, March 27, 2009

Why Gavin???

After conversing back and forth with another mom who has a sweet boy (Jaxson) with Down syndrome the last couple of days, I am feeling very sad! Both of our sons were born with Down syndrome and heart defects. Both of them have had to go through a lot in their short life. Both of them have had many surgeries, many hospitalizations, many times on a ventilator, and both of them suffered a brain injury due to errors on the part of medical staff caring for them. WHY?

I know that this is not for me to ask! I know that there is a reason for this happening and I know that our heaven in not meant to be here on earth! But, WHY??!!

I'm just here venting, instead of spending the day crying about it. I can't change what has happened and I really wouldn't want to in the grand plan of it all. Because I know that God's plans are far greater than my own. Yet, I wish that I could be given a script of our lives and know the reason why this has all taken place! I struggle daily with this! I try to give it all to God and for the most part I am able to, but then these darn emotions of mine have to get in the way! I told Joel last night, that I wished that I were not so sensitive and I wish that my emotions wouldn't take over the rational part of my brain!

When I think rationally, it all makes perfect sense! We are not here to be happy all of the time. We are not here to fill our selfish desires! We are here for a GREATER PLAN! We are here to become more holy and to glorify God. As a Christian, I know all of this and I am grateful for all of this! But, why do I have to have emotions to make it so hard in the mean time?! Some days I wish that I were a robot and could just go about my business doing what I need to do and not feeling the pain in all of it......what a horrible thought really......but it sure would be easier some days! UGH!

Gavin could be doing so much now, if not for errors that were made in his care! He could be crawling or walking. He could be eating and talking! But, the reality is.....he isn't! I accept that there is a reason for all of this. I pray that I will be able to know that reason some day soon. If not, I will continue to hope in our AWESOME Lord and know that some day I WILL know why and that I will see Gavin and Jaxson walk, and I will hear them talk, and that it is all worth it until that day!

Thanks for listening! Please pray for Gavin and Jaxson and the many out there like them! And please pray that I can keep those emotions at bay and continue to trust that good WILL come from this!

The following verses come thanks to Nolan having to do devotions at school this week. These are a couple of them that he shared with his class:

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Revelation 7:17


Anxious AF said...

Sometimes we have to vent, and thats ok. I dont think God wants you to keep it all inside, thats why we are here for one another.

Good is already coming from sweet Gavin, but I didnt have to tell you that!

Pam said...

I found your blog through Jaxson's blog. We live in the same state as Jaxson and Lacey, and my sonfell victim to the hosptial's negligence as well.

I myself have often asked why? Why do these kids have to go through so much?

All I know is that although our little guy has been through alot, we are all blessed beyond belief for having him in our lives.

Thank you for sharing Gavin, he is so beautiful.


Shan said...

Even though Marie and Gavin are so, so different (and yet so similar) you once again have echoed my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it's the work of the enemy, getting into the cracks and bringing me down. I spent a lot of time praying last night because I was feeling the same things...
You're not alone!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I know it does no good to ask why, but recently I have been doing the same thing! My peanut will be in 1st grade next year. She should be walking and running and reading and writing and taking tests!!

It's not fair, and we can't change that. We deserve a time to vent and yell and cry. Holding it all inside is not healthy.

In the end, our kids are AWESOME and that's that. :)

Lacey said...

I don't think we'll ever get over what happened. And it makes it worse when it could have been prevented. I said if he was to of had a stroke from heart surgery or something, thats a risk that comes with heart surgery. But when they don't do their job and its something so trivial that WE knew about it makes it so much harder.
Have you pursued the hospital? You probably know that we already settled ours, it helps with the financial burden, but it doesn't help what happened. One good thing in our situation is the doc that was there when it happened no longer works there, and that happened right when we settled, so I'd like to think that we helped that. I don't want to sound like a horrible person, but this doctor was horrid. I still hear horror stories about her from moms.

I do look at other downs kids and think that Jax could be doing what they are doing, walking, and even laughing. He is just trying to survive, his brain still goes into status once and a while, ever time it does that it hurts his brain more. And there is a huge chance that he could go into status and never come out.
You should have seen the PICU when Jax injury happened. The whole place was on pins and needles. I had nurses crying to me. A lot of them had been taking care of him for the last three months. It was horrible, and its ebedded in my brain forever.
Sorry to start my story about Jax and make you sad :(
Hugs from me and Jax

Alicia said...

I am sorry you are having a hard time with these dark emotions. The good news is that God understands our sadness, anger and questioning. He is the One who created those emotions!

I have asked why so many times, about Marissa and other kiddos. It is SO difficult to try to understand that we are not meant to understand in this life! Frustrating!

Know that I am praying for Gavin and so many other kids, as well as you and the rest of your family. I pray you can find peace and comfort in your dark hours.


Lacey said...

Hi, its me again. I went back and read your old posts to read about what happened to Gavin. Did his happen in April of 07? It sounds like he just started having siezures and never really got a diffinitive answer. Your story sounds so familiar. It brought back memories. I kind of wish I had a blog back then. Some things you don't want to remember but it is nice to have. It brought back times when he was so sick and doctors would be running around. Wow, these boys are kindred spirits.

The Myers Family said...

Vander Wall Family,
I don't have children like Gavin but he inspires me all the time and realize my life isn't bad after all. As you know my children have ADD ADHD and I ask why but remember the song you have playing on your blog God is an awesome God. Maybe that will help you it did me today. If you need to talk you can call any time.

The Myers Family