There are so many days lately that I just don't feel up to the task for just about everything. I am feeling 'sucked dry' and like I don't have anything left to give. I feel quite fragile and unsure of my abilities as a mother and as a christian. I just feel so overwhelmed by my responsibilities in both of these areas!
I pride myself on being the best mom that I can be, but still I fall short more often than I'd like to admit. I just feel like there are so many ways for me to fail, especially in the situation that I have been dealt with as a mother. I usually feel very confident as a mom, but lately I feel so burdened by the job. I want our boys to feel safe, loved, and happy. For the most part, I believe that they do feel these things. But, I have to put so much energy into Gavin and I wonder if they feel neglected sometimes? I also need to spend a lot of time reprimanding them throughout the day because they are wild, goofy and, lets face it, sinners, like us all! So, some nights I put them to bed feeling like they heard more "Don'ts" than "I love you's." I feel badly about this! But, such is life at our house! Our boys are very high-spirited individuals and although I want them to feel happy, I also want them to learn to have manners and to respect others as well! It's such a fine line parenting!
On top of our 3 older boys, there is Gavin. He is very well behaved, but he brings about so many worries and duties! I feel like I neglect him as well quite often. He can't sit up or play or enjoy things like most 2 year olds can, so I feel like I'm his only resource for comfort and stimulation. I feel so pulled all day long! I should be cleaning the house or paying bills, or etc, but I feel badly if I don't give him lots of time with me. So, the house is not as clean as I'd like it and other things are put off, but I feel that my children are more important, so I make concessions and everyone just has to deal with it! The house is neglected. I am neglected. My relationships are neglected. And, I don't like these feelings that I have because of it! I just feel so pulled in so many directions! My guilty feelings are enormous and I hate them! I seriously feel like I have no life outside my house and children and it hurts, but this is the choice that I have made and I feel it's the most important choice for right now. But, it's hard feeling lonely and like the world is going on without me.
So, I'm feeling overwhelmed by my role as a mother, but I've also been feeling overwhelmed with my role as a christian. I feel that I have to put on my 'happy' face and share the love of God even when I am feeling so down. Some days this is difficult for me. I feel so lost and like I just want to complain instead of looking for the positives in my life. I don't share everything that is going on in my life on this blog, but let's just say that I struggle more than I let on here. Life is just so difficult sometimes! And, lately I am really feeling the strain and feel like I'm sinking because of it. I pray daily and I am filled up by this and by reading the Bible, but I still feel so rotten! And I feel like I can't share just how rotten I feel, because I should be a 'light to the world' to show how wonderful my AWESOME God is! Don't get me wrong, without God I COULD NOT get through my days and I am SO filled with thankfulness for His grace to me. But, I am also human and have feelings and problems and I don't feel like I can do God justice feeling the way that I do! Because of this, I feel like I'm failing God as well.
Again, I feel like I must come across as crazy to so many, but I write this stuff here because I have a feeling that others are struggling just like I am and hopefully they won't feel alone in their struggles if I share my feelings with the world. I'm human, we all are. Some of us have been given a more difficult road to walk, but we ALL struggle. So, I'm here to hopefully be of help to others and also to vent to just get it all out, because holding it all in makes me feel worse. So, I may feel 'naked' sharing all of this, but I know that I feel better because of it.
As for being a christain and feeling worthless in my role; I do know that I am not expected to do a "good job" at it. I can't, because I am a sinner! This is why I am so thankful for Jesus and His gift to me! I may fail miserably, but He has saved me from my sins! Even me! Because of this gift, I am forgiven all of my shortcomings and I can go through my days with confidence. Confidence not in myself, but confidence in Him! For someone who likes to act like she has it all under control, this can be difficult to accept, but so freeing at the same time! I falter, I ask for forgiveness, He forgives and I have so much to look forward to! Life may be very difficult now, but this life is so short in comparison to eternity! I can't wait!
This weekend I seriously was feeling the lowest that I have ever felt and I was overwhelmed by my emotions. To top it off, Gavin had a few seizures on Saturday. He had not had any for over a year and I was SO heartbroken to see this again in him! I just wanted this all to end! I hate watching him have seizures! He cries just before and after he has them and there is such a feeling of helplessness watching your child have them and not be able to do ANYTHING about it! Anyway, I was feeling horrible and overwhelmed! I did not feel like going to church on Sunday. I just wanted to wollow in my fears and saddness, but I made myself go. I can't tell you how uplifted I felt and how happy I was that I went! I had tears running down my face for half of the service because it felt like the message was spoken just for me that day! I left feeling so lightened and filled with peace! We heard how life as a christian is good and in death there will be GREAT gain! Although, life can be hard, as a christian it really is quite good. In death it will be better. And when Jesus returns it will be the best to come! Hearing this gave me the peace that I need to get through my tough days and emotions, knowing that I was not made for this world and that the BEST IS YET TO COME! I can do all of my roles knowing this! I may not feel like doing what I need to do and I may not feel like I'm doing a good enough job, but I know that I CAN do it with He Who strengthens me!
"For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you. And being confident of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy of faith, that your rejoicing for me may be more abundant in Jesus Christ by my coming to you again." Philippians 1:19-26