Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"I can't even get away from myself!"

My sister said something this weekend that was funny at the time, but the more I think about it, I realize just how true the statement was. She was joking around about being a person that can annoy even her own self. She's a goofball, Who I love to death! She is is one of the few people who can get me in a good mood like no other, kind of like Gavin actually! Anyway, she was saying how she's tried to change herself, but she will probably always be crazy and goofy. And then she said, "And I can't even get away from myself!" We just laughed, like we often do around her, but I've been thinking about how true her words are! We can't get away from ourselves!

I am someone who is quite reserved and always try to "do the right thing." I put a lot of pressure on myself and am probably harder on myself than anyone has every been. I fail miserably quite often and this really brings me down. I worry about others and I worry about what they think of me. I like to give the impression that I have it "all together", when I SO DO NOT have it "all together." I am a very positive person about most situations, but I struggle to stay positive. I have to dig deep and pray about this a lot to stay positive. I like to think that I'm easy to get along with, and most of the time I believe that this is probably true. But, sometimes I just wish that I could GET AWAY FROM MYSELF! Seriously!

Why do I have to think so much? Why do I have to try to please others so much? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I think that I have to pretend to be alright, when I am SO not alright? Why do I let myself feel so sensitive about the way some people act, when I can't even control them anyway? Why do I put so much effort into making others happy, when it seems like some people could care less about how I feel? I suppose the answer to these questions is that, I CARE! I care about how others are feeling. I care about whether or not everyone else is happy and taken care of. I CARE! And, when I can't please everyone it makes me frustruated and sad. Some days I just wish that I could get away from my thoughts and cares! I think that I need a vacation from MYSELF! I am probably my worst enemy and I have no way of getting away from me! Man, I sound like I'm crazy, but I guarantee that I am not. I may be close to crazy, but since I get all these feelings out I am able to stay sane thankfully! Just venting makes a world of difference for me! Not to mention all the positive people out there in blog land, Your messages of support always brighten my day and mood! THANK YOU!

Anyway, now that I'm done venting, I'll tell you that we are home from our short trip and that, for the most part, we had a great time! It is always difficult getting away with 5 boys. (Yes, I said 5 boys, because Joel can be just as much of a handful on vacation as our actual boys! Enough said.) There is SO much to pack taking Gavin away from home and by the time I get 'on vacation' I'm exhausted! But, all in all, I think it was a very worthwhile trip! Jacob, Nolan, Caleb and I did not want to come home at all because we were enjoying ourselves so much, but Joel and Gavin are definitely homebodies, so we came back for them. Gavin did seem to enjoy himself for the most part, but he is definitely happier at home! It was wonderful spending time with our family that we rarely get to see and we had a couple of fun adventures as well! (Children's Museum and the Zoo!) Jacob and Nolan have informed me that they are even planning to move to Indianapolis someday! So they must have had fun!

Now we are back to the same old, which is always hard to come home to, but I am trying to dig deep and pray about keeping my positive attitude! :) I hope everyone else enjoyed their Spring break! Breaks are wonderful! Now if I can only figure out how to take a break from myself....hhmm? Let me know if you have any good ideas!

"Watch therefore, and pray always that you may be counted worthy to escape all these things that will come to pass, and to stand before the Son of Man." Luke 21:36


The Myers said...

You are not the only one who needs a break from yourself. As you know we have 2 boys and a big one too. Life with ADD and ADHD isn't fun either. Sometimes I wish I can just go away but yet I would miss all of them miserably even if I could go away for a while. Maybe going out for coffee with me once a week would help a little bit. We may not be able to get away from ourselves but we could enjoy ADULT conversation that we rarely get other than other half.We can talk to them just so long and about so much before they get bored or say honey you are looking at this the wrong way.Every time I see Gavin's picture he makes me laugh and realize why I am going to college and what for.Sometimes I feel trapped in my own home because I have no place to go or with. Not many friends understand what family is and u can't run here and there all the time.Conversation with children can go so far. Besides going to college I don't do much at all and I wish sometimes I could run away and don't have to worry about a thing. Be care free as long as I can and that will never happen in this world at least. Sorry for going on about how I feel were i should care about you instead. But I realize how it feels to get things out.I am a person who worries about what people think of me and I feel I need to act like I'm okay and everything is fine too. So you are not alone freind

Amy said...

Oh yeah, these are thoughts that go through my own mind every. single. day. I just didn't MENTION these when I was joking about needing to get away from myself! ;o) I think we are both perfectionists who want to make everyone and everything around us HAPPY, but the thing is, we can't maintain control of everything. In turn, we blame the strife on ourselves instead of realizing that it's not our job to make everything perfect all the time!

I laughed when you admitted to possibly being crazy, because up until that point when I was reading all of your self-prescribed questions, I thought to myself: "Why does she do these things? Because otherwise she'd be crazy to the outside world instead of just feeling crazy inside!" ;o) SO, although I have no tips as to how not to do this to yourself, I also know that you are doing such an amazing job despite the hard time you give yourself so often. To me, and to probably everyone else, you ARE sane, and ARE doing an amazingly wonderful job. So if something good has to come out of that internal battle you have with yourself, maybe it's that?

One of these days, you and I need to get away all by ourselves and just BE. We can go crazy in front of each other and laugh our behinds off about it!! Remember when we were kids and we would sit up talking late into the night, only to start laughing hysterically for no apparent reason? I think it's time we allow ourselves to do that again. (((HUGS)))

Love you, my SO-NOT-CRAZY sister!!

xoxo Amy

Alicia said...

Oh, how true! I wish I could get away from myself at least 6 times a day!

Here's hoping you are able to "get away" soon!



Annette Gysen said...

Glad you guys had a good time. That Indy children's museum is amazing--we went there a few years ago on a spring break! Sometimes a change of scenery can really help.

my family said...

My name is April,my son William was born March 3 2006 and had DS as well. I just came across your blogand read the last 3 or 4 entries. I would love to add you to my blog roll. I really like how you are so honest b/c I am tired of everyone acting like having a child with DS is always easy,not that there are not happy time b/c there are so many, but it is very emotional and sometimes draining too...love how you think girl and it is reality!

Lacey said...

I know how you feel. Tomorrow we are leaving the happiest place on earth and I'm not ready to go back to the real world yet. I want to move in to the Disneyland hotel.

Sandi said...

Hi Alicia,

I can so identify with your post. I tend to be similar to your description of yourself. I was just praying this morning about how I feel that my personality makes this mothering thing that much harder :o)...yet I know God made me and my children exactly who they are and put us together.

I also LOVE your sign "My Kid has More Chromosomes Then Yours" That made my heart laugh. Our son Jonah was born and died 7 years ago this Sunday from T-18. And I am proud of that extra chromosome...though it brought about some the worst and best part of my life.

Anyway, I enjoyed my visit....Gavin is adorable, he has the best grin around.

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