Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm having a pity party, want to come?!

I know, BooHoo for me! I have so many things to be grateful for, and yet, I feel the need to have a pity party for myself! But, it's my blog and that's what I feel like doing today, so either stop reading or join the party!

I should be focusing on the many blessings in my life! I have a great life! I'm without nothing. I have wonderful friends and family. I have had a full life. I have a husband who loves me and works hard for our family. And, I have 4 amazing boys that bring so much life to my days.

But, this week I guess I'm focusing on the negative.

Go ahead.....Tell me that I should be thankful! Tell me that I don't deserve all that I have to begin with! Tell me that others have it a whole lot worse than me! Tell me I'm being a big ole' baby! Remind me that a couple of days ago I posted about people going through a WHOLE LOT more than I am going though and I should feel guilty for even complaining a little bit!

I know! I know! All of this would be true!

But, still I feel like having a pity party! So here I go!

Part of my problem is the fact that I am feeling very sensitive to what others are going through and this really does get me down and thinking negatively! I hate to see others suffering and it is so difficult to just stand by and not be able to do anything about it! Life can be SO hard! And, this week I'm feeling it!

It could also be the fact that, here in Michigan, Winter seems to last FOREVER! And, I am sick of snow, ice and cold!

It could also be that Gavin has been sick and I have kept him home from school all week and I'm feeling a little bit cooped up!

It could also be that Gavin had a significant seizure the other night and I HATE watching my child have seizures and for him to have seizures in the last year usually this means that a bigger illness is coming on!

It could be that I am trying to organize our house right now and I really despise the act of organizing! I pride myself on being mentally organized, but my closets and basement are truly disorganized!

While organizing I have had to go through bins and boxes of clothing that our boys have worn, that no longer fit them. This always makes me emotional! I look at an outfit and it reminds me of them when they were young enough to wear it and I miss those days when they were small and really loveable!

So, throughout organizing their clothes, I also began to think about Gavin.

I look at the jeans that our other boys have worn and I wonder, should I keep this size? Will he ever get to be this big or will he stay small forever or not even be around at this size? (He does have a significant heart defect, even after having it "repaired" 2 times.) How long will Gavin even be around on this earth?

I know! One day at a time! And, God already has the future figured out, so why am I worried about it?! Because I'm his Momma, That's why!

Back to the jeans.....I look at the knees of the jeans and I think about how active our older boys are! Jeans don't usually last very long at our house! They get holes in the knees fast or they have patches on them that are really worn out on the knees. So, should Gavin wear his brother's jeans one day, they will have worn out patches on the knees.....and this will be a reminder to me of just how much Gavin can't do! The patches on the knees won't be from him! He'll be wearing old jeans that look worn out, but that he had no capability of even wearing out himself!

And, this makes me sad!!!

I have a 3 year old boy who can't even sit up on his own! This stinks! I hate this!

I have a 3 year old boy who goes to school, on a bus, and who started going to school at the age of 2! Our other boys didn't start school until the age of 4 and I LIKED it that way! I feel the need to send Gavin to school because I know that he is getting therapies there that he wouldn't at home, but I WANT HIM AT HOME WITH ME STILL!

I should be taking him to the mall with me to play on the play area, like I used to with our other boys! But, I wouldn't even consider it for Gavin, because there are too many germs and plus, HE CAN'T EVEN SIT UP, CRAWL, WALK OR PLAY THERE ANYWAY! I hate this!

I hate that Gavin sits at the table with us and he doesn't eat a thing! I hate that when we go to a restaurant we have to take in his stroller or wheelchair for him to sit in, because he can't sit up in a highchair and the hostess always seems to give us a funny or dirty look because she has to find a spot for our family that will fit a stroller! And, I don't like that the waitress always seems to wonder why we aren't feeding him, like we are mean parents who don't feed one of our children or something!

I may be reading into this, but this is how it feels to me! Probably because I REALLY wish that Gavin COULD sit in a highchair and could eat with us!

This stinks!!!

I despise that Gavin has to just lay around while his brothers are running all around him! I don't like that he can't join in on all the fun and activity! It breaks my heart!

I am so jealous of other families that have a child with Down syndrome, who's child can crawl or run and play! I want a "typical" child with Down syndrome! Why did Gavin have to be born with so many health issues and have to be hopitalized for so long and have a severe stroke that has left him unable to be like the "typical" child with Down syndrome?! I didn't sign up for this!!!

I never would have chosen this life! I really don't think that I would have ever willingly adopted a child who may never sit-up, crawl, walk or talk. Some people have a huge heart and sign up for this willingly.....that's just not me!

I definitely would have adopted a child with Down syndrome, in fact, I still want to! But, I would not have willingly took on the responsibilty of caring for a child that can't even sit up on his own, for maybe the rest of his life!

I'm just being honest here! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Gavin! And, now that I have him, I would never give him back, but it takes so many emotions to get through my day with him! I am sad every day that I go to get him up from his crib, knowing that his life seems so boring!

The funny thing is, Gavin doesn't even know that his life is boring or that it could be any better. This is his life and he is the happiest boy that I know! He is a fighter and he is so easy going and so loveable! And, it makes me want to cry just thinking of how positive he is!

Gavin doesn't have pity parties.....but his Momma does! Pretty sad, when I think about it!

But, this is how I feel. It makes me sad to see my son not able to do much. It makes me sad that our other boys' lives are different than their peers. It makes me sad thinking that this is our life.....forever! Whether Gavin lives a long life or not, he will always be a part of our family and it will always hurt knowing that he could have done more, had it not been for the stroke that he had.

It hurts! It sucks! It's sad! It's hard! It's our life.

Most days I'm really fine with all of this, but not today. I'm not fine with it and that's just the way that it is. I'll have a better day tomorrow, I always do, but today I'm having a pity party! Want to come?

"He who has pity on the poor lends to the Lord, and He will pay back what is given." Proverbs 19:17


Hope said...

I wanted to pass along this beautiful story to you. Get ready to cry.

Alicia said...

I'm always up for a party, even a pity party!

You ALWAYS have the right to feel sad about Gavin's situation. You ALWAYS have the right to throw a pity party and feel loss and regret for the things that may never be. The grieving process is a lifelong one that never goes away. I am glad that you are not feeling guilty for throwing yourself a pity party. Your feelings are very valid and you should never feel guilty for being honest about them. And, like you said, you'll have a better day tomorrow.

Hugs and prayers to you, friend. You are on my heart today, as always.

Heather said...

Sometimes,just getting it down in writing and venting your feelings,is therapy in and of itself.No one has the right to tell you that you should feel a certain way or act a certain way... you are human and with that comes real human emotions that can't be sugar coating in some moments.

I certainly can relate to the "typical Down syndrome" child thing.I have had to work through that and come to some acceptance and even when I feel that I have made peace with it,something might happen that triggers those emotions all over again.

Hang in there Alicia... tomorrow is another day and that my friend, is the blessing.

Annette Gysen said...

It's good to vent! Know that you are loved and prayed for--and Gavin is too! Hope that tomorrow is better! (Get well, Gavin!)

Anxious AF said...

Ill bring the cupcakes and wine!!! I love me a good pity party:)
Yep! THis life, especially life caring for a child with special needs is HARD, and we all gots to have us some pity parties!!! Lots of moms will come. Hmmm? Maybe we really should start this? Community pity parties, mommas of special needs children welcome, come eat, drink, talk, cry, hug, and feel better..........

Team Carter Jay said...

Everybody gets to have a pity party every once in awhile. I hope it gets better soon :)

Lacey said...

You know, its so hard for us to see our kids that should be walking, and we know they never will. I say I have no bitterness, but deep down I do. How can we not? Someone else hurt our babies for their lifetime! Being in the hospital brings it out because it happened here. It sucks, it really does.
A good pity party once and a while is a good thing!

Cammie Heflin said...

I understand the "typical" DS thing too and I'm assuming Addy is "typical" :) well almost anyway! She doesn't eat though!

Becky said...

thinking of you! I know it will get hang in there. That's what I'm trying to do over here in NH! Thanks for your thoughts and prayers - means a lot to me!!!

ParkerMama said...

I wouldn't call it a pity party, I'd call it regrouping and releasing.


Unknown said...

I love you!