Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I want to give them the world

Lately I've been feeling somber about things. I can't believe that it's August already, and my boys will be back in school again soon.....I may have more peaceful days when they return to school....but I miss them terribly and would rather have them at home with me, than at school. I had such high hopes for this summer. I was sad that Gavin would be in school part-time, but I knew that it would be good for him to keep up with the therapies that he gets there and also, with him there, I figured it would create some alone time with our older boys and that we could do lots of fun things together, things that are sometimes hard to do when Gavin is around. The summer is almost over and it seems like we have hardly done a thing! Life is just so filled up with necessities and it makes it difficult to just "be" a lot of the time.

I've read a few other posts this week, from other special needs Mommas out there in blogland, and it seems like this is the theme of our life. We are crazy busy with life and our special kiddos, and it's difficult to give our children all that we want to give them. I know that this is true for all moms, but I also know that it's ESPECIALLY hard when you have a child that requires a lot of attention and who isn't capable of doing a whole lot on their own. And, although we wouldn't trade in our special child for ANYTHING, we wish that we could have more time with our other children and be able to do more with them. It's sad not being able to give them all that we think they deserve!

It's also very sad to not be able to give more to our child who has special needs. I am a mostly upbeat person. Life can get me WAY down at times, but I always try to see the silver lining in everything. This is a more complicated thing to do when you have a child who is almost 4 years old and he can't even sit up on his own! I can be feeling so happy, but even then there is almost always a black cloud hanging over me, reminding me that something is not well. That something is the fact that our family is so different from most families. I don't know if it's just me, but I often times feel so alone in this world because when I look around, most family's children are able to walk, run, and enjoy what life has to offer.....and Gavin can't. This is a constant struggle for me! It's not just that it's sad for me, or sad for my other boys, but also that it's sad for Gavin! I want the world for him too! And the fact is, in this world, he will NEVER be able to do all that I wish for him.....and this breaks my heart!

I try not to think about the near or distant future with Gavin. (And, even though the future looks bleak, I pray that we HAVE a long future with Gavin! This is also a huge fear of mine.) But, if we ARE blessed to have him with us for a long time......I try not to think about some things.....

Such as:

Having to lift him when he is much bigger, because he already kills my back at the size that he is! I try not to think about having to change his diaper when he is 10 years old. I try not to think about the days ahead when he will be a bigger boy who gets stared at even more for not being able to even sit up on his own, and who acts like a 4 month old baby. ETC.....

I try not to picture my life and my other children's life too far down the road.....but some days this is hard not to do.

I realize that me and ALL of my boys are really quite blessed, but I also see others living a life filled with more freedom.....and some days I just wish that was our life. I want so much for ALL of my boys! And the truth is.....I am not capable of giving them all that I want to give them, because of this journey that we are on. And, this makes me sad.

These pictures kind of represent how I am feeling. We try to do fun things with all of our boys, but in the end, when we get a picture of all of our boys, it usually shows Gavin in his own little world, unable to take part in the activity.

Either that, or we are only able to get a picture of our 3 oldest because Gavin can't take part in the fun.

Or, someone cuts him out of the picture, like he's not even there.

The only thing that gives me hope some days is the fact that we have so much more to look forward to one glorious day. This life is only a fraction of our life. I look so forward to the day when I will be able to see Gavin running and laughing, and our other boys free from the struggles that come from having a special needs brother.....I seriously can't wait! Because...although I am SO VERY BLESSED to have Gavin and this life that I have been given...some days it is just too much for this Momma to bear.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galations 6:2


Heather said...

I for one ,truly understand that sadness.That pull and desire to find the balance.In fact,I just blogged a bit about that last night.It seems to be a common thread in our lives.I think especially as our little ones,our amazing special little ones,get older and bigger and require more than when they were babies,we find ourselves wondering and projecting a wishing for things that cannot be.

I really try to not project too far in the future.Seems if I do it can become too overwhelming and casts a shadow on the beauty of today.

We all will get through this together.We will pray each other through our sad moments.

Love from Miss Zoey and I.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Okay, I don't know who took that last photo, but WHAT!! Who would just cut him off like that? It made me sad. :(

Emily can sit up, and look around, and try to interact. But she doesn't walk or talk or try to touch things, or or or or or. Most of our pictures look like yours. Either she is just off to the side like that, or she's not in it. We get lots of pictures of her, but not involved with activities like the rest of us.

It's a hard knock life ... but it's one we wouldn't trade for the world!

Colleen said...

Thanks for stopping by our blog. Gavin has a very sweet smile!

Isaac can't sit up either and it's hard to not feel bad for him, but then I see how content he is just rolling around on the floor. often he has to stay home when we go and do fun things because of his health. It's so hard to not feel overloaded and guilty because you just want what's best for them.

Amy said...

Oh, this just breaks my heart!! And the last picture, where Gavin is cut out? I wish I could talk to the person who took that photo, so they know what an injustice was committed in innocently doing that. SIGH.

I can imagine every day is just a little cloudy for you - even the super sunny, fun ones. I wish like crazy that I could do something to change this! Instead, I will only say what I always say: You do an amazing job of seeing the bright side of all of this, and the older boys are MUCH MORE AMAZING because of the life they are a part of! Some day, those three will become men who spread compassion and understanding everywhere they go...and it will be because of Gavin, you and Joel who taught them to do just that. What a difference you are making!!

I love you all so much...and am so, so proud to call you my family. Chin up, sweetie. You - and Gavin - are such an inspiration! (((HUGS)))

Becky said...

I don't like to send my kids to school either. If I had a choice, I'd keep them home. Enjoy the time you's so short!

Alicia said...

Cling to that promise of a life beyond this one, Alicia. Going Home will be so wonderful!! He has promised us so much more than the drudgery and pain of our life here on earth, and what a awesome thing to think about!

I am sorry the Summer has slipped by you. Us too. And I'm sorry Gavin gets cut out of pictures. Just not right.

Hugs and love to you.

April said...

Oh I know it's tender to try to find balance with every member of the family-
I know that there are special blessings in store for every member of your sweet family- even if it's hard to see them sometimes.
My heart is with you....
Happy last few days of summer!

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Julia Smith

Unknown said...

My heart goes out to you so much. As I read your words, I felt as if I could have been writing them. I often do well with things too, but sometimes it just catches up to me.

We just came back from vacation with my siblings and all of their kids. Those times are such wonderful times and yet such heart wrenching times. I watch my nieces and nephews especially the ones close to Isabelle's age and I can't help but hurt for not only her, but for myself. And even though I would never trade the time that I do have with her, I can't help but wish for so much more and different for her and our family.

Hang in there. Live for today. Gavin is such a gift and even though he can't do what you dreamed and wished he has already blessed you and your family so much.

Jenkins said...

I am right there with you...sending you a big hug.

Michelle said...

Creepy how you can get right into my brain and write out what I, too, feel and experience. While I must say, the road is getting a little easier with Lillian, there are still so many things that grieve my heart from time to time. I'm there with you, friend, you are not alone. (((hugs)))