Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Morbid thoughts.....

.....I have them. Lots of them.

I am usually a very positive person. I always try to look for the silver lining in everthing that happens. I am usually upbeat and try to think of things as being "half full." Most times I succeed in this. I truly believe that Life is Good! But, for some reason, I can be joyfully going about my day and then, WHAM!....a morbid thought pops into my head! Am I the only one who has this problem?

I was thinking about this and I wondered if it is because I have Gavin, a child with so many health issues. But, I know that this happened to me before I had him, so it's not his fault. In fact, having Gavin has probably made me less worried about things for some reason. I think it's because so much has happened with him and we've almost lost him several times, and yet, he's still here! I've seen and had to go through lots with him, but it's made me more aware of God's grace. There have been many times that I should have been feeling so stressed, like when Gavin coded and his hospital room turned into a scene from some medical show. But, during that time, I can honesly say that I have never felt so calm in my life....and I know that it was because God was comforting me at that time.

But still, these morbid thoughts pop into my head....at a moment's notice, and for no reason at all! I have no control over this and it stinks! Maybe it's because I've seen lots in my life and I no longer have that "teenage mentality" of thinking that nothing bad will happen. Or, maybe it's because so many of our blogging friends have lost a child way too early in life. Whatever the case, I wish these thoughts would just go away! I am a thinker.....constantly thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering.....maybe this is why?

The other day we were going through some of Caleb's schoolwork and artwork.....he has a ton of them! He hates to throw them out, but truthfully, I am just as bad as he is about it! I look at something and it brings a memory back to me and I can't bring myself to get rid of it! This is why my "Craft Room" is a total mess, it's because it's actually a storage/junk room! Anyway, when I was going through some of his things, I had the thought, "What if something happened to Caleb and he was no longer here? I would want to have this to remember him by." Caleb is totally healthy and I have no reason to worry about his well-being, but I still had that thought pop into my head. I mean, this picture that I was considering throwing away was a scrap piece of paper that had a drawing of one of his stuffed animals on it....nothing huge, but I felt the need to save it! Am I the only one who does this?

Then there is Gavin. I have lots of reason to worry about him. He has a heart defect, lung disease, seizures, a leaking valve, and when he gets sick it is always harder on him, then it is for the typical person. Yet, he has been doing SO WELL! He isn't even supposed to be alive today, and his heart isn't supposed to be tolerating the demands of his body....but he is doing so well! Praise God!

But, there is always that thought, "When is it all going to come crashing down?!" Because it has to.....that is what we are told by doctors anyway. So, WHEN?! When will he end up in the hospital so very sick like he used to be? When will he need his next heart surgery? When will he no longer be in our lives?

I try SO HARD to be thankful for how well he is doing and I try my HARDEST to just be in the moment with him. But, these morbid thoughts sneak in there every once in awhile.

The following photo shoot, of Gavin, is a result of such thoughts. I was just about to send him to school one day, and suddenly one of my morbid thoughts came into my head. So, before I sent him to school, I decided to take lots of pictures of him. I was trying to get "the perfect shot", but he wasn't really cooperating with me.

The funny thing is, I was working so hard to get one of his award-winning smiles, and I was sad that it wasn't working out, but when I looked at the pictures later, I realized that I had just taken real, honest to goodness, pictures of Gavin!

This is what I ended up with:

Like this one, It's a picture of him looking so sweet and calm, which is a typical Gavin look.

And, this one is one with him looking at the camera...(something I have to work hard at getting him to do since he is legally blind and he's usually off in his own little world)...and it also shows his cute crossed eyes, which is a typical look that we see from Gavin.

This one shows him staring off into space..another of Gavin's typical looks, and it also shows how long he is getting!

This one shows him "talking/yelling"....I love when Gavin does this!

The next one shows him covering his face with his hand, which is where his hands are often found!

This one shows him with his chin sticking out....a look he gives us when he isn't happy about something!

The following one shows him doing another typical Gavin thing....putting his thumb in his mouth and his finger in his eye! Crazy boy!

Here is one of him looking away.....another typical Gavin occurence! This is why I am SO THANKFUL for digital cameras! I delete as many as I keep!

Here he is finally attempting a smile for his Momma!

And, finally a smile that made his Momma's day!

So, in the end, a very satisfying photo shoot of Gavin!

I wish that I didn't have these morbid thoughts and I wish that I didn't have reason to think these thoughts concerning Gavin....but maybe it's a good thing in the end! I got some really cute pictures of Gavin in the process! And, it makes me turn to God with prayer.....something I do often, but probably not often enough! How many of us would turn to Him if life was always perfect? Just a thought.....

"Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:5-8


Amy said...

I sooooo get it! Maybe because we are related? ;o) I've had way more morbid thoughts since Tate was born than ever before, which makes me think we have these thoughts because we just have so much (more) to lose than ever before. Being a parent is the most amazing, scary thing I've ever done and it really causes you to take daily (and sometimes hourly) leaps of faith. These thoughts of morbidity serves as reminders of how much we have to be thankful for, too...when I find myself having them frequently, this is what I remind myself. :o) Love you, sista!

Carole Doty said...

The reason for these "morbid" thoughts is...WE ARE HUMAN. We are afraid of what might happen and that makes us sad. I think this is especially true of Mothers. We'll always worry about your children, regardless of how old they are...I know I DO. I had to laugh when I read that you are saving all of Caleb's artwork so you will have something to remind you of him, should something happen. Have you seen my closets, cabinets, etc. I STILL have artwork and cute things you and Amy made me. I've thrown out some, but kept a lot. They'll all precious to me.

Bottom line...we are humans, with weaknesses, doubt, guilt and worry. The only thing that gets me past all this is the KNOWLEDGE of God's love and mercy, and knowing that He is in control....He has a purpose for us and that His will be done. If I didn't have this knowledge, I'd be lost! Thank you GOD.

Don't beat yourself up for your "morbid" thoughts. It just shows that your children mean the world to you and that you don't want something to happen to them.

I love you honey. You are a wonderful mother (as is Amy) and I am so proud of you both.

Much Love and Many Blessings....Mom

Stephanie said...

Goodness I do the same thing. I have awful thoughts sometimes. I tell myself to stop it, but sometimes I can't sleep at night, because as soon as i close my eyes it's like Steven King is in my head. And they're not just about Em but it could be any one of my kids,you're not alone!! It stinks!

Did I ever send you a Christmas card. I'm thinking I didn't. Let me know, since Valentine's Day is coming I can make up for it. I have extra pics left over and every day I think of someone else I missed. i didn't write a list. That was just dumb!

All the photos are beautiful but i think that last one is awesome!

Lacey said...

I was just thinking how life is so fragile,like your last post. A kid at our high school was killed in a car accident right in front of the school. The student was driving too fast, there were too many kids in the car, and most of them didn't have their seatbelts on. She hit ice and rolled the car, ejecting and killing the boy. I drive past the high school every day to take Mondo to school. They are right next to each other. So every day last week I drove past the memorial other students had put on the fence and thought...how many times when we were younger did we not wear our seatbelts? that we had too many kids in the car? I worry so much about Jax, not realizing that life can be lost in an instant!! Scary!

Annette Gysen said...

When we know the worst that can happen in life, it's hard not to go there sometimes. Won't it be great someday when we're in a place where sickness and death aren't a possibility? I just found out a dear friend's 8-year-old daughter has malignant tumors, so I guess I can really relate to this post today . . .

Colleen said...

Those are beautiful photos of Gavin. You're not the only one...I think with everything we have been through, I have the "when is the other shoe going to drop" mentality. We realize how fragile life is for all of us. Thank goodness for Gods peace and comfort!

Becky said...

It's completely normal to have these thoughts...AND I think it makes us appreciate every minute we have with our precious children.