Friday, March 18, 2011

My Home & Hands are Full, And Yet My Heart feels Empty

I'm surrounded by many. I have plenty of bodies to love, and to be loved by.

My home is filled with stuff....LOTS of it!

The basement is full of toys and full of such as; handicap seating, a stander, and a walker.

My cupboards and refrigerator are full of food.....but they are also full of plenty of medications, feeding supplies, wound care supplies, respiratory supplies and gastrointestinal tube supplies.

My garage is adequately filled with 2 vehicles for our use.....actually make that 3 means of transportation, when you add in Gavin's wheelchair.

My thoughts are full of God's glory and grace, and the knowledge that I'm loved by so many. But, my thoughts are also filled with so many worries and responsibilities.

My hands and life are TRULY FULL!

So, why does my heart feel so empty sometimes?

About 4 years ago, Gavin suffered a brain injury (stroke), that killed off many of the cells throughout his entire brain.

Gavin doesn't know this. In fact, Gavin has very few cares in this world.

But, I know it.

On that day that Gavin's brain was emptied of most of it's capabilities, my heart was also emptied. And, I struggle daily with the responsibility that I have each day because of this.

My heart hurts watching my 4 1/2 year old having to lay on the floor, unable to sit up on his own......unable to really play on his own.....unable to crawl.....unable to talk.....or to walk.

My hands and my mind are so very full.....full of heartache, that cannot be erased by this world. And, on more days than not, my eyes are filled with tears, as I care for my sweet boy.

Each day it's a struggle to get up in the morning.....knowing what my day holds for me and Gavin.

I just wish that he could learn to sit-up on his own! This one accomplishment would make our lives so much more bearable! Am I really asking for too much?!

None of you can possibly understand this life and the burdens it holds, unless you are living it along with me.

I know that here is SO MUCH for me to be thankful for! I am very blessed!

But, when your home and hands are as full as mine are.....unfortunately, your heart and your dreams also tend to feel so very empty.

And, all I can do to get through my days is to pray that God will give me the necessary strength.

This day can't come fast enough for me:

"And behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to every one according to his work." Revelation 22:12

"Surely I am coming quickly." Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus! The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen." Revelation 22:20


Becky said...

I love those sweet, tender pictures. I am sorry each day is such a struggle. You are in my prayers.

Shan said...

I can't wait for that day either... The pictures are just beautiful, exp. you and Gavin at the ballpark.

I have to say reading this, even though it was really hard and I'm so grateful she doesn't have to suffer anymore I just miss my girl.

My back used to ache from carrying her, but now I ache just to have her in my arms again...

You are very loved, praying for you and Gavin every day!

Heather said...

Some days are just like this my friend.You will rally tomorrow and it will be a new day,more hope filled and yes,there will be more days like today but that great faith of yours will see you through it.

Sending you prayers and peace to your empty heart.

Missie said...

Thinking of you today! Praying for you...sending thoughts and hugs your way. Thanks so much for all you do! Gavin is such a precious boy, and I know you wouldn't trade him for the world...but my heart aches right along with you for all those milestones you would like him to be able to experience. Much love from me to you!

Stephanie said...

Sweet Alicia, you are right, i cannot possibly understand what it's like. i can't stand in your shoes, and I have a feeling if I had to it wouldn't be with the grace and faith that you do.
sending prayers that God continues to supply you with strength(which you do have, btw).

Michelle said...

Prayers and prayers and prayers and hugs.

Edie Mindell said...

These pictures of your family are just beautiful. You are a very brave mother for your children especially with Gavin. I might not have the strength you have if I were in your shoes, and I salute you for being strong and courageous through the years. God is with you all the time. Praying for you and your family.

Amy said...

There isn't anything I can say to make things better, so I will only tell you I LOVE YOU and pray for the same things you pray for. I also pray that your heart feels full again, someday. (((HUGS)))

Jenkins said...

Sending you big hugs and lots of say I understand.

Also, the pictures are beautiful...they better be hanging up in the house.