This is not the post that I had intended to have you read next. I started typing one on Friday, but ran out of time and am now just getting around to finishing it. When I read it this afternoon, I thought to myself; "How negative!" and erased it. It was titled "Caution: Negativity Ahead", but I didn't realize just how negative I was feeling until I reread it. I was feeling quite down at the time and I am still feeling sad about some of the things that I was then, but I am feeling a lot better than I was.
Some of the things that I was feeling sad about are as follows:
Obviously, I was worried and sad about what the growth that Gavin has, could possibly be. I'm still worried, but know that I can't change anything by worrying, so I've relaxed a little bit. We still don't have results of the biopsy and the doctor's office is now saying that we may not know until Friday.
I was also feeling sad about Gavin's development. Last time I told you how sad it is to watch Gavin have to suffer so much, but it's also sad to have to watch him not develop further either. I feel so sad when I see other children his age. He is SO far behind and will be all of his life. The saddest part is that he didn't have to be this far behind. If mistakes weren't made in the hospital, he would not have had a stroke, which did so much damage to his brain. I see other children with Down syndrome and it kills me to think of how much he could be doing right now, if the stroke hadn't occured. Gavin can't do anything for himself and it's really hard to watch your child be like this, especially when it could have been quite different.
Another thing that I've been sad about is how lonely it is raising a child with special needs. People don't and can't possibly get what it's like. There are other moms that I know who "get it", but they are busy raising their own children or so far away that it's impossible to really support one another. Plus, I have to stay couped up so often, trying to make sure that Gavin stays healthy and that's really difficult on one's psyche, especially in the Winter months. I have been blessed with a lot of support from our mothers and some people that I never even thought would be there for us. But, I also feel like we've been forgotten or deserted by some people, who I thought would have definitely been there for us. It's a life changing thing to have a child as fragile as Gavin has been. Everything changes and that is hard to accept sometimes, on so many different levels.
Anyway, these are just a few of the things that I had so negatively wrote about on Friday, but did not post. Saturday I was still feeling very sad and negative, but when I got Gavin dressed for the day, my attitude got a little bit of a lift. I dressed him in his "Half Full" shirt, which got me thinking. Here is a picture of him wearing it:
At first when I put the shirt on him I thought to myself, "A picture of a sippy cup! How dumb! He can't even drink or eat by mouth!" (See, I told you I was feeling negative!) Anyway, then I started thinking about what the shirt really meant. Usually I can truly say that I'm a "cup half full" type of person, but last week that was not the case. I was looking at everything with a "cup half empty" type of attitude. I hated the person that I was last week! So, after I put the shirt on him, I started thinking about why I was feeling so negative. Yes, I do have actual reasons to feel sad and worried, but should I really have had such a bad attitude about it?! NO! Are there things that I can't change that just don't seem fair compared to what others might have? Yes, but that's still not a reason to feel as bad as I did! I have been blessed with so much and instead of thanking God for ALL that He HAS given me, I chose to focus on what I thought wasn't fair. I can feel sad about things, but I should always remember to thank God for everything as well! Now that I'm back to thinking more clearly, I once again can see that, not only is my "cup half full", it's OVERFLOWING! Thank You, God, for Gavin! Thank You for making him just the way that You want him to be! Thank You for the trials that You have given me, because I know that suffering is actually a gift from You! Thank You for loving me enough, even though I'm not always very lovable, to forgive me and always give me what I stand in need of! And most importantly, Thank You for sending Your Son! Life IS Good!
Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life, He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die." John 11:25-26