Friday, August 7, 2009

You'll probably think that I'm crazy......

and maybe I really am, but I really don't feel like our family is quite complete yet. Before Joel and I were married we talked about hoping to have 3-4 children. We have obviously met this goal and feel very blessed that we were able to have our children, but I don't feel complete accomplishment yet. I don't know if it's because I love children so much, or if it's because I haven't gotten my girl yet, or if I just have more love to give, or if I ACTUALLY AM CRAZY?!

Whatever the reason is, I would love to have more children! There is one problem with this desire though. I DO NOT want to be pregnant again! With each one of my pregnancies I got more sick and when I was pregnant with Gavin I had no energy and felt sick the ENTIRE time. I don't want to live through that again, plus I don't feel like I would have the energy to care for Gavin and our other children if I did feel that rotten again. I know that God would provide me with the strength, as He always does, but I don't have that desire to be pregnant again. So, what do I do?

Last night we were all sitting at the dinner table and Nolan said, "I feel like someone is missing." Our whole family was there, but he didn't feel like it was. I have this feeling a lot. I feel like I have lots more love to give and someone isn't here yet to receive that love.

The other day I asked the boys if they wanted to have another brother or sister. They all said, "Not really." I asked if they would like to adopt a sister. They said, "Not really." Then I asked them if they would like to adopt a sister who has Down syndrome. They all yelled out, "YES!" Their reaction completely surprised me!

I guess that I shouldn't be that surprised, because they all love Gavin to death, and yet, they don't feel that way about each other most of the time. There is just something about Gavin though. You can't help but be drawn to him, if you take the chance to get to know him. I think all people with Down syndrome are this way. They bring so much happiness to this world! They are so innocent and loveable and honest!

Our neighbors have a grandson that has Down syndrome. They were such a comfort to us after Gavin was born. They showed us what a blessing it would be to have a child with Down syndrome. Their grandson comes over at least once a week and our boys LOVE to play with him! They come home so happy and filled with stories of what he said and did. This may attribute to them wanting to adopt a sister with Down syndrome?

Here is a picture of some of our boys playing with our neighbor's grandson and his brothers. They see no difference playing with him, they only feel the joy that comes with playing with him.

Don't they look precious playing together?! This picture makes me feel so happy!

But, I think that it would make me even happier if there was a little girl with Down syndrome in that picture. Seriously, I need a girly girl to watch playing in that back yard! Our yard is always full of males, males that I love, but don't you think a girl would make that picture more complete?

And, I feel that it couldn't be just any girl either. I have a strong desire for that girl to have Down syndrome. And, obviously our boys do too! I love that they see the good in those with Down syndrome and I love that they want this to be part of their lives!

There have been so many times that I worried about our other boys since Gavin came along. Were they upset about having this "different" person in their lives? Did they feel less cared for because of all that care that Gavin has required? Their love for their brother is such a gift to me! In fact, when I asked them if they ever felt embarassed about having a brother who was "different", they said, "Why would we feel this way?!" I explained to them that some children might have feelings of resentment or have feelings of not fitting in because of having a brother like Gavin. They thought that this was crazy! They all said that Gavin was such a blessing to them and that they could never feel this way about him! God has truly blessed me with thoughtful and loving children! They may act like they hate each other sometimes, but they are all very sensitive and loving individuals and I am so thankful for all of them!

I just wish that I could add one more to the mix.....maybe some day we'll have a little girl with Down syndrome to add to this precious bunch?!

Go ahead, tell me I'm crazy! I just can't help the way that I feel.

You may be wondering how Joel feels about all of this? He says that he would desire to have more children as well, but he's not so sure about adoption yet. He's thinking about it. I think that a little girl in this house would be really good for him too! And, I have a feeling he would make a great daddy to 5!

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

A little update:

I just have to add that right after I clicked "publish post" to finish this entry, up popped an advertisement saying, "When is your baby due?"


Right after that I checked our e-mails. There was one from our local Down syndrome group. It was a weekly update that they send out to us. On it were 2 girls with Down syndrome who were waiting to be adopted! The heading said, "Do you feel like you are missing a member of your family?" And, there was a picture of 2 beautiful girls with Down syndrome!

Am I reading too much into this or what??!!


Shan said...

Ummm, no! God does that to me all the time, He's not always the most subtle guy!

I don't think you're crazy at all, before surprise #3 I was praying that God would open Luke's heart to adoption because mine fully is. It still is... because I am over being pregnant! Is that because I only have a week and half to go and am in the miserable stretch? Anyway, I digress.

Our pastor had actually put us in touch with the Lutheran Adoption Network (they work w/ other denominations too) and we were sort of toying with contacting the local agency here when I got a positive, totally unexpected pregnancy test. Anyway, maybe that would be the place to start? Or the emails you already have in your box?

Anyway, point of this mess is that you're not crazy and when you feel driven to do something and start getting little signs it's not CRAZY. It's God, in the details and I get totally giddy when we get to catch Him working like that :)

Cammie Heflin said...

I'm pretty sure you know my opinion!!! Go for it! I'll take one too! I think Addy needs a sister with DS!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I think that the signs are all pointing to DO IT! :) Your boys are so sweet and amazing. A little girl with Down Syndrome would be a PERFECT fit for your family!

Heather said...

Crazy ... no way!Mark and I talk about it all the time.Okay,maybe more me then him!My children talk about it all the time.Reece's Rainbow calls me daily.We have helped others on their quest over the last year or so,in little ways.Always wished we could do more but seeing two little loves find their way here to these waiting families has been magical.Maybe when Zoey stabilizes a bit .... that sounds nice doesn't it?Stabilize.And you may not believe this but I just send an email on this very subject not 10 minutes ago.Listen to that nudge.Be patient.Know that often things like this are not in our timing but in the one who is doing the nudging.Cannot wait to see the way this plays out.So excited!

Lacey said...

We are the same way. I have to have a girl.I just don't feel complete. But I'm not going to keep trying to have my girl. So we've talked adoption. I don't necesarily want another DS, but I would love another medically needy child. Now I do sound crazy. I would love another heart kid. DS would be great to though. We talked about the foster system because medically needy children are harder to place and we don't have the money for a private adoption. I want to start the paperwork now but if we move out of state, we would't be able to take a child they wasn't officially ours with us, so I wait patiently to see when we move.

Alicia said...

Wow! Let me just say up front that no, I do not think you are crazy for thinking this way. How admirable for you to not only want to adopt, but for that child to have special needs. Commendable!

Second, I totally believe in "God winks". I believe that what you experienced when you asked your boys if they wanted a sister who had Down Syndrome and they answered "YES!" was a "God wink". A little hint from God himself letting you know part of the plan He has for your life.

Further, I think that when you checked your e-mail and found e-mails relating to adopting a girl with Down Syndrome ~ GOD WINK!!!

You are not reading to much into this at all. People talk about God talking to them. Sometimes I think that They believe he is *literally* speaking to them. But most, I think, believe that he "talks" with them in this manner ~ sending subtle hints that I choose to call God winks.

I hope and pray you are able to figure out where this new realization is going to take your family. Wherever it takes you, I know you will consider yourself blessed.

Hugs and love to you.

Michelle said...

Absolutely NOT crazy. For whatever reason, this post has just brought me to tears. Aren't our children precious? Sounds like God is certainly directing your paths... keep following!!!

catherine said...

I completely understand what you are saying! I felt the same way. As I prayed about it one day I heard God say "Annie" in my head over and over and over again. I felt there was a girl waiting to come into our family for about a year at that point. I talked to John and we found ourselves in different places. I wanted to adopt, but he didn't. Then I visited - and organization the coordinates international adoptions of kids with DS. And there was staring at me a little blonde haired blue eyed girl named Annie. I was convinced she was to be ours. But, she found another family instead. The tug still in my heart, we have since decided to have our own. While i never thought I wanted to be pregnant again after the pain i had with Peter's pregnancy - here we are, and I'm feeling great and they think we have a little girl on the way (to be confirmed). She doesn't show the signs of DS - so while I heard God talking in my heart it took us a year plus to find the path He intended for us. So - long way to say I understand, and God will guide the way you are to follow His calling in your heart. God bless you and your family!

Christy said...

Wow! You're a brave woman. I admire your courage to listen to the Spirit's call in your life. I think adoption, especially adopting a special needs child, is a definite calling. Sounds like you have received it with open arms! Can't wait to see what God has in store for your family.

Amy said...

You're not crazy at all! How could your innate desire to give back to someone in need ever be crazy?! If you think you can endure the extra work it will require, I support you 100%. I'd LOVE to have a niece, after all! :o) I have no doubt you and your family have the love and support needed for such an endeavor. (((HUGS)))

Inspired said...

Love the idea! You and your family are very special and adding another to love would be perfect!

Sharon said...

I'm so thankful to God that you and your family see the joy in having a child with Down Syndrome. There are people out in there who are not yet there and are having a hard time adjusting to their situation.

You have an exceptionally loving family - must be the parents are loving. I love what our Lord tells us in his word - LOVE NEVER FAILS.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings with all of us.

Love you all so much, Sharon

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