and maybe I really am, but I really don't feel like our family is quite complete yet. Before Joel and I were married we talked about hoping to have 3-4 children. We have obviously met this goal and feel very blessed that we were able to have our children, but I don't feel complete accomplishment yet. I don't know if it's because I love children so much, or if it's because I haven't gotten my girl yet, or if I just have more love to give, or if I ACTUALLY AM CRAZY?!
Whatever the reason is, I would love to have more children! There is one problem with this desire though. I DO NOT want to be pregnant again! With each one of my pregnancies I got more sick and when I was pregnant with Gavin I had no energy and felt sick the ENTIRE time. I don't want to live through that again, plus I don't feel like I would have the energy to care for Gavin and our other children if I did feel that rotten again. I know that God would provide me with the strength, as He always does, but I don't have that desire to be pregnant again. So, what do I do?
Last night we were all sitting at the dinner table and Nolan said, "I feel like someone is missing." Our whole family was there, but he didn't feel like it was. I have this feeling a lot. I feel like I have lots more love to give and someone isn't here yet to receive that love.
The other day I asked the boys if they wanted to have another brother or sister. They all said, "Not really." I asked if they would like to adopt a sister. They said, "Not really." Then I asked them if they would like to adopt a sister who has Down syndrome. They all yelled out, "YES!" Their reaction completely surprised me!
I guess that I shouldn't be that surprised, because they all love Gavin to death, and yet, they don't feel that way about each other most of the time. There is just something about Gavin though. You can't help but be drawn to him, if you take the chance to get to know him. I think all people with Down syndrome are this way. They bring so much happiness to this world! They are so innocent and loveable and honest!
Our neighbors have a grandson that has Down syndrome. They were such a comfort to us after Gavin was born. They showed us what a blessing it would be to have a child with Down syndrome. Their grandson comes over at least once a week and our boys LOVE to play with him! They come home so happy and filled with stories of what he said and did. This may attribute to them wanting to adopt a sister with Down syndrome?
Here is a picture of some of our boys playing with our neighbor's grandson and his brothers. They see no difference playing with him, they only feel the joy that comes with playing with him.
Don't they look precious playing together?! This picture makes me feel so happy!
But, I think that it would make me even happier if there was a little girl with Down syndrome in that picture. Seriously, I need a girly girl to watch playing in that back yard! Our yard is always full of males, males that I love, but don't you think a girl would make that picture more complete?
And, I feel that it couldn't be just any girl either. I have a strong desire for that girl to have Down syndrome. And, obviously our boys do too! I love that they see the good in those with Down syndrome and I love that they want this to be part of their lives!
There have been so many times that I worried about our other boys since Gavin came along. Were they upset about having this "different" person in their lives? Did they feel less cared for because of all that care that Gavin has required? Their love for their brother is such a gift to me! In fact, when I asked them if they ever felt embarassed about having a brother who was "different", they said, "Why would we feel this way?!" I explained to them that some children might have feelings of resentment or have feelings of not fitting in because of having a brother like Gavin. They thought that this was crazy! They all said that Gavin was such a blessing to them and that they could never feel this way about him! God has truly blessed me with thoughtful and loving children! They may act like they hate each other sometimes, but they are all very sensitive and loving individuals and I am so thankful for all of them!
I just wish that I could add one more to the mix.....maybe some day we'll have a little girl with Down syndrome to add to this precious bunch?!
Go ahead, tell me I'm crazy! I just can't help the way that I feel.
You may be wondering how Joel feels about all of this? He says that he would desire to have more children as well, but he's not so sure about adoption yet. He's thinking about it. I think that a little girl in this house would be really good for him too! And, I have a feeling he would make a great daddy to 5!
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3
A little update:
I just have to add that right after I clicked "publish post" to finish this entry, up popped an advertisement saying, "When is your baby due?"
Right after that I checked our e-mails. There was one from our local Down syndrome group. It was a weekly update that they send out to us. On it were 2 girls with Down syndrome who were waiting to be adopted! The heading said, "Do you feel like you are missing a member of your family?" And, there was a picture of 2 beautiful girls with Down syndrome!
Am I reading too much into this or what??!!